Review: Zombieland
11/22/2009
Yes, this movie came out a LONG time ago. And yes, I watched it. A LONG time ago, so this review is useless.
But I needed to write something so here I am.
Verdict: BETTER THAN NEW MOON.
Not that I read or watched New Moon. But you can bet your ass that it’s better.
I like Zombieland. It was funny. It was cool. It serves its purpose as a brainless escape fiction comedy.
Characters — Not much there. I like how they’re all relatively dumb. Most of their problems (cept the zombie apocalypse, of course) were self inflicted, resulting in hilarity. In essence they’re all young (yes even Tallahassee), so this kind of thing happen. Bill Murray pfffft. Columbus was far from perfect, which was… awesome 
. Great break from the sparkly powder puff that is Edward Cullen. Only one I didn’t like in this movie was Wichita. Sure she was necessary to keep the plot going, but you just get the feeling that she’s in the script so the girly girls that gets dragged by their boyfriends to see this movie wont be all “EWWWWW” all the time.
Little Rock was badass >D. I wish I was that cool when I was nine.
Plot — Pretty normal for a zombie apocalypse movie. All Tallahassee wanted was a twinkie… (which was a pun, oh god XD)
Cinematography — Average.
GO WATCH IT. ITS HILARIOUS.
Omegle is PHUN.
11/14/2009
If you guys are a little behind the times, Omegle is a site that will allow you to chat with random strangers. They dont know your name or address or anything. You can pretend to be a pirate from somalia if you want on that site. My favourite? Going as what I am and spamming people looking to cyber.
So, here are some of the funnier responses.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: HAI
Stranger: are you a female?
You: No… but I could be.
Stranger: Well I’m male so I wish to speak to
You: are u horny or just desperate?
Stranger: horny
You: Go to encyclopediadramatica.com. search up buttsex.
You: you’re welcome.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
I do believe I have just introduced some poor fourteen year old to porn.
Oh, the next one is GOOD.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: HAI
Stranger: f or m?
You: f
Stranger: a?
You: 98.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
XD
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi, im a 19 year old male looking for a girl with a cam. If you’re not plz disconnect.
You: DAD?!
You: DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You: DAD YOU”RE SCARING ME
You: I’M TELLING MOMMY
Stranger is typing…
He was typing for quite a while so I just disconnected. I DO NOT want to see what he typed.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: male, 21. Do you want to have a good time?
You: transvestite, 78. Do YOU want to have a good time?
Stranger: a seventy eight year old transvestite huh…
At this point I got scared, so I disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: r u a hot gurl wit a cam? I’m looking for 1.
You: DUDE
You: I”M LOOKING FOR A HOT GIRL WITH CAM TOO
You: WE CAN BE BROS
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi1
Stranger: are you a girl
You: yea
Stranger: Are you horny
You:… I DO have a horn growing on my head…
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
From there I was beginning to suspect that all the pervs I’ve been talking to were the same people, because come ON, I think I’ve got about sixteen of them in a row…
I will add more once I accumulate more. 
– Annie
That fair little town we call Stratford.
11/08/2009
So, in celebration of Canada’s Britishness, I present to you Stratford. Sounds familiar? It should. Because the oh-so-great Shakespeare was born in Stratford. The one in England, I mean.
The best thing I saw there by far was this, though.
…Forgive me for asking, but…WHY IS THERE A DOOR THERE?!
No, seriously. WHY? Just think about it. You open the door, you step out into the brilliant sunshine and–
*Splat*.
Okay. I leave you to stare at this hilarious failure and ponder at the infrastructure of our magnificent country.
–Sarah, who is way too lazy to write anything more substantial
This is written as a joke, not to poke fun at other cultures. Honestly, I think these are fascinating. Loosen up, geez.
One of my topics for English class is death anxiety.
So I googled death… and stuff. The topic for last English class was the reality of our existence and this time it’s death. Seriously, I’m starting to doubt whether I am in English class or Philosophy class, or a class that makes you go emo.
So apart from the fifty thousand pages of angsty emo poetry claiming that their parents suck, their girlfriend dumped them, they’re going to die a virgin, spiraling deeper and deeper in an all consuming black hole of fiery inferno, I found this.
http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2008/06/25/10-extraordinary-burial-ceremonies-from-around-the-world/
Call me sadistic, but I laughed.
Okay okay. Air burial, the ones that the Mongols did. I seriously wonder how does it feel to know your family dog just ate the dead remains of your dead brother? If that doesn’t creep you out, how about the dog shitting out a piece of clearly recognizable piece of your brother? Like a finger?
Tibet. Body crushers. Owo. Sounds like a fun job. Staring at the face of that girl you had a crush on but couldn’t tell her because you were married (or whatever) while holding a friggin hammer over her head about to smash down on that pretty face of hers forever…
Pacific Northwest Haida –
The body was crushed with clubs until it fit into a small wooden box about the size of a piece of modern luggage. It was then fitted atop a totem pole in front of the longhouse of the man’s tribe where the various icons of the totem acted as guardians for the spirits’ journey to the next world.
How does that NOT smell?
Vikings – Okay, Vikings are awesome, we can agree on that. But admit it, their burial seems pretty fucking lame compared to the regular stuff they do (you know, pillaging, being drunk, pulling people into fire, raping slaves and cows).
If the deceased was a nobleman or great warrior, his woman was passed from man to man in his tribe, who all made love to her (some would say raped) before strangling her, and placing her next to the body of her man.
… NOW THATS SOME HARDCORE SHIT, RIGHT THAR.
That sounds a bit Egyptian.
Thankfully this practice is now, for the most part, extinct.
… WHAT.
…
WHERE CAN I FIND THESE PEOPLE ?
(No, seriously. Where do you find … Vikings of all things in this age? That’s like asking where does one find ninjas…)
>.>
well since China still has the ShaoLin…
<.< … japan might still have some ninjas.
*shot*
FUCK VIKINGS LETS GO LOOK FOR NINJAS
Bali – Fire burial. Now THAT’S cool.
Although I wouldn’t want to be the person digging up half decomposed bodies so they can burn it.
Southeast Asia – actually that happens … in northern asia too… I’ve seen my grandparents do that kind of stuff, its kind of creepy…
‘we’re sending money to your grandma in heaven! ’
“… by… burning it.”
They burn food, too. And you know how us Chinese people prioritize food over anything.
The Masaais are cool. Although it cant be hygienic.
Kiribati – YOU KEEP THE SKULL BLAUEFLIFUEHG.
So what, do you pluck out the eyeballs then cut off the cartridge from the nose, then remove the brains through the nose like those Egyptians?
Sea burial. Makes sense enough, but…
In olden days, the British navy mandated that the final stitch in the bag had to go through the deceased person’s lip, just to make sure they really were dead. (If they were still alive, having a needle passed through their skin would revive them).
Now I really wonder how many times a poor sap woke up from a coma with a needle poking through their lip, shrouded in a burlap sack with rocks.
Okay world, don’t you think shooting yourself off into space is going too far? I mean, do you REALLY want some poor astronaut to stumble upon your radiation bloated remains?
… Dont answer that.
Uhm… if I die…
…
Do whatever you want with my body.
– Annie (brb packing her bag to go to Japan and look for Ninjas)
My mom (yes, my mom) sent me a chinese joke. I never get tired of political humour… XD
The Joke (In Mandarin):
世界是一个班级， 美国是班长 中国就是团支书 狂经典
1、美国 班长，学习好，家里有钱，人高马大，好打架,经常欺负别人。班里没几个人敢惹他。 和副班长关系不好。
2、俄罗斯 副班长，成绩优异，全班最高大，上学期光和班长顶着干。后来家里出事：分家！现在做事很消极，但在班级里有一定的影响力。
3、中国 团支书。幼儿园学习成绩很好。小学时由于体质差常被欺负，没事爱吹牛，由副班长罩着。
4、英国 学习委员，学习成绩好。家里也很富。班长的跟屁虫，做事没主见，啥都听班长的。前些天和班长把伊拉克打了一顿。
5、瑞士 美术课代表，班花。学习成绩好，清高。
6、奥地利 音乐课代表。
7、阿富汗 职务无。不爱学习。身材矮小。上学期被副班长打，班长帮忙付医药费。前几天把班长家的最高的两个家具砸了，被班长揍个半死，现在失忆中、
8、伊拉克 无职务。学习差。但人高马大，上学期排全班第四。嘴硬，上学期欺负同桌被群殴。前些天被班长和学习委员冲进他家揍个稀巴烂。
9、印度 好玩电脑，成了电脑课代表。经常和同桌巴基斯坦为一块课桌吵架。
10、巴基斯坦 职务无。成绩一般。和团支书关系不错，经常和印度吵架。 1
11、德国 班级活跃分子，人高马大，擅长数理化。有野心，由于上学打了2架所以现在暂无职务。但认错态度较好。
12、日本 无职位，成绩不错。思想品德很{巨}差。上学期刚被班长和团支书等人揍。现在还惦记着团支书家的鱼缸。)
13、越南 无职位。人品有问题,瘦弱。上学期被班长揍，幸好有副班长和团支书撑腰。后又挑衅团支书，被狂揍。
14、朝鲜 无职位。有个性。和团支书关系好。近期和班长闹矛盾，班长扬言要揍他。’
15、韩国，无职务，品行比日本还差，喜欢偷团支书东西，偷完了还不知廉耻拿出来炫耀。由班长罩着。
The Joke, translated:
The World is a classroom. United States is the Class president. China is the chairman.
1. United States, President. Good grades, upperclass. Most built in the class. Loves to fight, and bullies other students. Not alot of students stands up to him. His relationship with the Vice President is abysmal.
2. Russia, Vice President. Very high grades. Tallest in the class. Had a fight with the President last semester, but then things at home lead to his family being separated. Right now he’s rather quiet, but he has a certain influence.
3. China, Chairman. Genius in kindergarten, but got bullied a lot because of his small structure. Likes to brag when he’s bored. The Vice President protects him.
4. United Kingdom, Academics Representative. Good grades, rich upper class family. Class tag-along. Doesn’t really have opinions, listens to the President for everything. Beat up Iraq with the President a few days ago.
5. Switzerland, Visual Arts Representative. Prettiest girl in class. Good grades, high class. Extremely refined.
6. Austria, Music Representative.
7. Afganistan, regular student. Hates studying, scrawny. Got beaten up badly by the Vice President last semester, and the President helped to pay for his medical bills. A few days ago he broke two tallest pieces of furniture in the Presidents house. After being beaten up half to death by the President, he is suffering from amnesia.
8. Iraq, regular student. Horrible grades, but is tall and built. Fourth tallest out of the whole class last semester. Irrationally vocal, last semester he got ganged up on for bullying his desk buddy. The President and the Academics Representative stormed his house and beat the living crap out of him.
9. India, Information Technology representative. Loves to play on the computer. Has frequent squabbles with his desk buddy over desk space.
10. Pakistan, regular student. Average grades, good relations with the Chairman. Squabbles with India over desk space.
11. Germany, regular student. Participates actively in class and is serious about school. Very well built, he is good at scientific/math studies. He has a wild side. He was on the student council, but was kicked out when he started two riots. He is good at accepting full responsibility.
12. Japan, regular student. Good grades. Has some (very) questionable thoughts sometimes. Got beaten up by the Chairman and others last semester. Now he often reminesces about the aquarium in the Chairman’s house.
13. Vietnam, regular student. Has some questionable morals. Very frail. Got into a fight with the President last semester. Lucky for him he had the support of the Chairman and Vice President. Then he went to pick a fight with the Chairman, and got his ass handed to him.
14. North Korea, regular student. Isolationist. Good relations with the Chairman. The president and him has been butting heads recently, and the President announces he’s going to kick North Korea’s ass…
15. South Korea, regular student. Thoughts even more questionable than Japan’s. Likes to steal from the Chairman’s house, which he then shamelessly shows it off. Protected by the President.
I had to change a few things here and there for it to make sense. For example, 班长 does not translate into ‘President’, it translates into ‘battalion leader’. The Chinese classroom has an interesting system: there will be a ‘battalion leader’ who will be in charge when the teacher is away, and a ‘vice-batallion leader’ to help out the ‘battalion leader’ when he needs it. Then there’ll be representatives for every subject and they’ll be responsible for everything that happens in that class. There are also some stupid titles such as ‘hygenics representative’ and ‘lunch representative’… more often than not, the class is so big that they have to split them up into even smaller groups, resulting in ‘platoon leaders’ and ’sub-platoon leaders’…
Yeah it’s really communist sounding, isn’t it?
McDonalds Is Everywhere
10/29/2009
It IS everywhere. Just a short article today – this is too … shocking not to be shared.
So I was checking my email on whether my printing order is completed, and glanced over at the news.
Yahoo finance: Country Now Officially McDonald’s Free
I don’t know what’s more shocking – that they only had three McDonalds, or that they had to close down the three McDonalds because making a burger is getting expensive. I just went to McDonalds yesterday. They had my little pony ponies for happy meal toys (I got one, I’m happy).
“…McDonald’s, which currently operates in more than 119 countries on six continents, has exited a country. Its one and only restaurant in Barbados closed after just six months in 1996 because of slow sales. In 2002, the company pulled out of seven countries, including Bolivia, that had poor profit margins…”
119+ countries?
119+ countries.
The UN recognizes around 194-ish countries. Tiny countries like Micronesia must make up about another twenty. Then there are the third world countries that are really really poor, which makes up about thirty, and then there’s the dictator countries like North Korea and (somewhat) Belarus…
In other words, McDonalds operates in every country it possibly can.
Even China has it. :-/. But then, China has KFC as well… even if nobody in China knows what KFC stands for. They just assume it’s Cornel’s name. XD
Watch out people… The Taliban is not about to take over the world — McDonalds is.
– Annie (Astro boy is creepy.)
Never have I been so proud of our fair city.
10/18/2009
I was planning on getting off this wonderful (yet strangely distracting) blog for a while.
*cough*
Really. I did. Sarah doesn’t lie.
But when I turn on the car radio this morning, what do I hear but…
TORONTO wins the World Pride 2014 bid.
(See how “Toronto” is 7 letters and therefore can form a perfect rainbow? It’s meant to be.)
Gorgeous.
…Well, Annie was going to suggest pink feathered boas, but this is somehow even better because it’s filled with…well…pink…tentacles. Fantastique!
What made this thing even BETTER was that we won over STOCKHOLM. For those of you who don’t know, Stockholm is the capital of Sweden, and Sweden is that place where IKEA was born, and consequently the place where we owe all our cheap furniture to. Just think about it for a few moments–
We won over the country where the God of furniture IKEA came from.
Sorry, IKEA. Forgive us.
I mean, the fact that Toronto won over any other city is pretty shocking in itself. Nobody really pays any attention to Canada due to our godly invisibility laid-backness , and we’re more like an accessory at the world meetings than anything else.
Canada during a world meeting.
…So I was completely surprised to hear that Toronto even bidded for the Olympics. I felt kinda bad afterwards because I didn’t even know. Toronto actually came in second, right after Beijing, and I didn’t even know.
| 2008 Host City Election — ballot results | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| City | Country (NOC) | Round 1 | Round 2 | ||
| Beijing |  China |
44 | 56 | ||
| Toronto |  Canada |
20 | 22 | ||
| Paris |  France |
15 | 18 | ||
| Istanbul |  Turkey |
17 | 9 | ||
| Osaka |  Japan |
6 | — | ||
Lookie! Toronto was second!
In fact, Toronto was sooooo close to winning. Then the mayor just had to make a derogatory remark about Kenya and completely destroyed me and Annie’s chances of just waltzing out the door and watching the Olympics live while enjoying some Creme Brulee flavoured ice-cream. What a douchebag.
=/ …I guess we got the 2010 winter olympics because the summer olympics committee felt sorry for us. Because, you know, Canada does try. To, um, stand out more. But the key word here is “try“.
…How on Earth did I get so off topic?
Anyway. This is why I’m so happy — Toronto finally won SOMETHING. I’m so proud. :’D
Actually, I take that back. If there is a world event for weed, we would totally win. After all, what is British Columbia famous for?
yes, that’s right. Global Marijuana March, exclusively in B.C.!
So, here, enjoy some general information about the World Pride event, courtesy of my lover Wikipedia:
- WorldPride, organised by InterPride, is an event that promotes lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT pride) issues on an international level through parades, festivals and other cultural activities. From 2014 (that’s us!!!), the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, the event will be held on a five-year cycle. The Inaugural WorldPride was held in Roma in 2000, subsequently the second WorldPride was awarded to Jerusalem in 2006. WorldPride 2012 was awarded to London and coincides with Europride. The selection of WorldPride 2014 was chosen on October 18, 2009; the two candidates were Toronto and Stockholm, with Toronto winning a 2/3rds majority of votes on the second round (FUCK EH YES).[1] The host cities are selected by InterPride, an international association of pride coordinators, at their Annual General Meeting.
Why Toronto is going to be awesome:
Okay. A little history of World Pride is necessary here. If you’re really religious, you might want to stop reading right around here. Sorry.
(Although I don’t get why some people are upset about this event…everyone finds different things worthy of celebrating.)
The event hasn’t really been running…smoothly in the past few years. Here’s what happened in 2000:
- The first WorldPride was held in Roma from 1 July to 9 July; however, city officials pulled funding on May 29 for the celebration, saying the gay event would hurt Pope John Paul II’s feelings. The city had promised to put up US$200,000 for the event, but the Vatican pressured the city to postpone it because it is scheduled at the same time as the Holy Year Jubilee celebration.
I’m actually serious.
The city bailed on the event because it would fucking hurt the Pope’s feelings.
D: My feelings are so hurt!
Then here’s what happened in 2006:
- The first attempt to hold WorldPride in Jerusalem was in 2005, however it was postponed until 2006 because of tensions surrounding Israel’s withdrawal from the Gaza Strip. In 2006, WorldPride started in Jerusalem and the main parade was scheduled for the 6th of August but received harsh objection from Israeli religious circles from the offshoot. It was eventually cancelled due to the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict
Um, yeah. Which bright fellow voted to have the biggest Pride festival in years in Jerusalem of all places, the Bible’s “city of GOD”?!
– I quote: “Received harsh objections from Israeli religious circles”
…No, REALLY.
…I’m SO shocked.
Go ahead. Do it.
Now, I would like to make the following announcement:
- The 2012 World Pride is going to be held in London, England. Please ensure that you have an umbrella with you at all times, because you know damn well it’s going to rain. (Annie has a conveniently placed weather forecast of England on her computer, and it generally goes like this: Monday – rain; Tuesday – rain; Wednesday – rain; Thursday – rain; Friday – rain.)
So given the pretty fucked-up history of this event, Toronto’s going to be a refreshing change because goodness knows that we are too lazy to organize any sort of religious uprisings, the Pope doesn’t live here, and we will never ever (ever ever ever ever ever) have any sort of political crisis. Ever. Everrrr. That sort of exciting thing just doesn’t happen in Canada.
- WorldPride 2014 in Toronto will include: an opening ceremony reminiscent of the Barcelona and Atlanta opening ceremonies; an international human rights conference; a variety of networking and social events including Canada Day and US Independence Day celebrations and an exhibition commemorating the 45th anniversary of Stonewall. Pride Toronto officials said that Pride Week 2009 drew an estimated one million people to Toronto and contributed $136 million to the city’s economy, and state that they expect WorldPride to be about five times bigger.
YES. You go, Toronto. We’re going to show everyone how accepting and friendly we are with epic rainbows.
Oh, yeah. There’s also a whole Pride Toronto website filled with rainbows, because Toronto has a pretty famous and delicious Pride Parade every year. Here, go waste some time and check it out:
http://www.pridetoronto.com/news/pride-toronto-to-bid-for-world-pride-2014/
…I shall leave you with that. Make of it what you will. (And come to Toronto in 2014 and give us some money.)
And lastly — R AINBOWS! :D:D:D
–Sarah
As anyone that has gone onto Yahoo! knows, the Human Development Index is out. The HDI is usually considered the most ‘official’ ranking of livability of countries.
Highest: Lowest
1. Norway 172. Moxambique
2. Australia 173. Guinea-Bissau
3. Iceland 174. Brurndi
4. Canada (FUCKING EH ) 175. Chad
5. Ireland 176. Democratic Republic of Congo
6. Netherlands 177. Burkina Faso
7. Sweden 178. Mali
8. France 179. Central African Republic
9. Switzerland 180. Sierra Leone
10. Japan 181. Afganistan
11. Luxembourg 182. Niger
Guess which number the United States is.
No, really, guess.
…
You really must guess.
…
GUESS, YOU JACKASS.
…
DOWN IN NUMBER THIRTEEN. HAHA WE BEAT YOU.
So I did some digging around. And by digging around I meant Wikipedia.
So this is how they do it. They take life expectancy at birth, adult literacy rate, school enrollment ratio, and standard of living (aka how rich they are). They mash them all together to create an average and BOOM! Ranking of the countries.
I looked around some more and apparently Canada tops the list by getting number one EIGHT TIMES (fuckYES). Norway got it seven times. Japan got it three times and Iceland got it twice. They revised some of the lists this year, and unfortunately in the revised one, Canada only nabbed two top spots out of eight. Norway got the rest. But that’s my Canadian mind talking.
Then I checked out some of the lists from the year before, to see if anything has changed. The data off of which the HDI is calculated is in the bracket.
2009’s data (2007): 1. Norway 2. Australia 3. Iceland 4. Canada 5. Ireland
2008’s data (2006): 1. Iceland 2. Norway 3. Canada 4. Australia 5. Ireland
2007’s data (2005): 1. Iceland 2. Norway 3. Australia 4. Canada 5. Ireland.
2006’s data (2004): 1. Norway 2. Iceland 3. Australia 4. Ireland 5. Sweden
2005’s data (2003): 1. Norway 2. Iceland 3. Australia 4. Luxembourg 5 Canada
Does it EVER change? Apart from switching around a few places, the only changes to the top five are Canada dropping out in 2006 (to sixth place, big whoop), and Luxembourg in 2005. Norway, Iceland, Australia, Canada and Ireland seems to be owning everybody, by the looks of it.
Do you notice how they’re all neutral (not counting NATO and past world wars)? But then you can argue about the World Wars, since Australia got dragged in to both forcibly, Canada had to join WWII to show he wasn’t a mama’s boy as British as he seemed, Norway and Iceland got invaded, and Ireland was a part of The British Empire in World War I so…
Maybe trades are better coz no country holds grudges against them or something…?
The list has been criticized for being too focused on money and not on the actual happiness of the people. Well let’s just see about that…
Satisfaction with Life Index (because this one looked like it made more sense than the ‘Happy Planet Index’)
2006 Rankings:
1. Denmark 168. Swaziland
2. Switzerland 169. Georgia
3. Austria 170. Belarus
4. Iceland 171. Turkmenistan
5. The Bahamas 172. Armenia
6. Finland 173. Sudan
7. Sweden 174. Ukraine
8. Bhutan 175. Moldova
9. Brunei 176. Democratic Republic of Congo
10. Canada 177. Zimbabwe
11. Ireland 178. Burundi
OH MAI. NORWAY DOES NOT SHOW UP ON THIS ONE. NEITHER DOES AUSTRALIA. Other countries in the top 10 HDI that are not in the top 10 SLI are: Netherlands, France, Japan, and Luxembourg.
Japan not showing up is expected. The amount of emos in that country is astronomical.
The countries in the lowest for both lists are Brurndi and the Democratic Republic of Congo. I’m not sure if Brurndi is crappy in general or something, but Democratic Republic of Congo was a given. First of all, it’s in Africa. Second, it’s ruled by a dictator. Third, it’s shit poor. Fourth… well it has the word ‘democratic’ in their country name. Which other country has the word ‘democratic’ that we know of…? People’s Republic Of Tyranny, if you will.
How does this relate and why should we care? I don’t know. Just look at all the graphs before moving to a country based blindly on HDI. Norway may be number one on the list, but chances are if you move there, you’ll spend all of your life savings within the first month and get savagely attacked by polar bears. You’ll always need to conserve water in Australia. ICELAND HAS NO TREES (and is bankrupt), Canada is awesome (if you don’t live in Toronto or Vancouver) and Ireland… fiddily dee! Potatoes!
*shot*
I would write more, but I’m hungry. I don’t even know what’s the main point in this article (did I even have a point when I started?), so I’ll leave it at that.
All I know that is when I get rich, I am SOOOOO packing my bags and moving to Svalbard.
– Annie (brb gone to get food)
It’s time for some Shakespeare. Sweet.
10/09/2009
Yet another really boring and really long review from me. I’ve been doing these so much that I should be dragged out and shot. Really, I’m just enjoying my last few hours of freedom before my dear mother comes to visit and I lose all forms of freedom for 72 hours.
So, I’ve been reading a play by a certain writer named William Shakespeare. Heard of him? I bet you have. This guy is practically second only to Chuck Norris.
The Real Guy
Hollywood’s Version of the guy. *Cough*.
The play’s called Othello. And it’s pretty damned cool for something that’s written four hundred years ago and in barely intelligible English. I thought I’d never say I enjoyed some Shakespeare, but…
We’re talking about the greatest villain ever here.
Greatest villain ever. Ohohohoho.
Greatest Villains Ever Profile #1:
Name: Iago (ee-AH-go)
Age: 28
Nationality: Italian (Venice)
Area of Evil: Manipulation (level: hardcore)
Why he’s evil: He gives some very sketchy reasons in the play. It can be assumed that he’s evil just for the sake of being evil. Which is the greatest kind of evil there is. I mean, just like how Chuck Norris needs no reason to be awesome, Iago needs no reason to be the greatest villain ever.
Victims:
- Roderigo: oh, the poor rich bastard. Iago talked him into giving up all his money, and got him into doing all sorts of dirty work for Iago, such as picking a fight with Cassio (see below) and getting hurt pretty badly along the way.
- Michael Cassio: this guy is actually such a good guy it’s not even funny. He’s honorable, polite, and acts like a gentleman, but unfortunately he got promoted and Iago didn’t, and so Iago wants to destroy him. Iago got Othello to believe that Cassio was having an affair with Othello’s wife (see below) when the poor guy just wanted to be with a nice prostitute named Bianca.
- Desdemona: oh boy. This lady’s the worst off yet. She was just a pretty darling who didn’t do ANYTHING AT ALL, but got strangled by her own hubby because Iago’s just cool that way.
- Othello: Can’t say much about him. He was kind of stupid. He realized too late that Iago’s been duping him all this time, and when he did realize it he just killed himself. Way to make Iago’s day complete.
…See that dude on the left? That’s Mike.
Ooh, lookie! How precious!
…See that dude on the left? That’s our lame hero.
Famous quotes:
–“Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is tupping your white ewe.” — Notable for epic use of imagery.
If you cannot imagine what that means, congratulations, your mind is more innocent than mine.
How He Did It:
Okay. So from the very beginning, Iago gives a speech about how he hates Othello for no reason. So then, he initiated Plan A.
Plan A: Tell Desdemona’s father that Othello’s having sex with “tupping” the girl to get the father angry, and so the father’ll murder Othello. Back in those days, Othello was definitely the odd one out for being African, and Elizabethan England certainly didn’t have any racial rights laws. (Are you kidding me? All the Monarchs before Elizabeth were like, on crack. Just go see Henry VIII’s pathetic life –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_VIII_of_England )
(And thus Iago’s description of “old black ram tupping your white ewe”. Pfffftt. I’m sorry to say I was pretty amused by this bit of animal imagery. Oh, Shakespeare.)
Othello.
Desdemona.
Okay, this sounds all nice and dandy, except that it failed.
Because Desdemona was all like, Oh yeah, no problem, I actually fell in love with him and he didn’t rape me or anything.
No, Dad, really. He didn’t rape me. I’m so in loovvve.
Well, okay, not really. This is what she really said:
Desdemona. “But here’s my husband, and so much duty as my mother showed to you, preferring you before her father, so much I challenge that I may profess due to the Moor my lord.”
Translated into English, that would be something like this:
Desdemona. “Well, I’m married to this guy now, so I’m going to listen to him and forget about you okay? Bye Dad.”
Okay, so at this point Iago’s pretty damn disappointed.
So, on to Plan B: Why not destroy everyone with one plan?
Iago: DIE, you…dipshit.
So Iago thought he’d get Othello to believe that Cassio is having an affair with Desdemona, so that Othello’ll get so mad he’ll just kill both of them.
I bet he didn’t think that Othello will off himself at the end too. What a pleasant surprise.
…What the. You mean he killed himself? How convenient!
BUT. The Duke sends Othello to Cyprus to kick some Ottoman butt.
Ottoman butt.
…so then everyone follows him to Cyprus, only to discover that all the Ottoman butts already drowned in a seastorm.
…lolwhat? Othello & Co. were travelling on the SAME SEA at the SAME TIME but all the Turkish people drowned in a giant sea storm and nothing happened to Othello & Co.? Nice going, Shakespeare. Go study some logic.
So anyway. The first thing Iago did was to get Cassio drunk and then get Roderigo to pick a fight with him. Iago made sure that this happened while Othello was… “enjoying his wedding night” (Read: getting some. Well, it’s Shakespeare. Everything is a sexual innuendo.), so that when he has to “wake up” to deal with this, he would be damned pissed.
I’m sorry to say that it worked to perfection. Othello was really damned pissed when he had to come to the crime scene wearing a bed sheet…thing.
…I wouldn’t lie to you.
So now, Cassio’s demoted and Iago gets the job. Iago: 1, Cassio: -1.
But oh no, this is not enough for our dear diabolical Iago. Othello’s still happy in his wedded bliss “enjoying” his wife. That wouldn’t do at all, ja?
Also! I would like to quote here the following conversation between Iago and Othello. If you don’t want to read the original Shakespeare gibberish and would like to go straight to the English translation, then just scroll down until you see red (the color of communism! Yeah!)
Iago. “Did Michael Cassio, when you wooed my lady, know of your love?”
Othello. “He did, from first to last. Why dost thou ask?”
Iago. “But for a satisfaction of my thought, no further harm.”
Othello. “Why of thy thought, Iago?”
Iago. “I did not think he had been acquainted with her.”
Othello. “O, yes, and went between us very oft.”
Iago. “Indeed?”
Othello. “Indeed. Ay, indeed! Discern’st thou aught in that? Is he not honest?”
Iago. “Honest, my lord?”
Othello. “Honest? Ay, honest.”
Iago. “My lord, for aught I know.”
Othello. “What dost thou think?”
Iago. “Think, my lord?”
Othello. “Think, my lord? Thou echoest me. As if there were some monster in thy thought…”
*I blanked out during the rest of the paragraph.”
Othello. “If thou dost love me, show me thy thought.”
Iago. “My lord, you know I love you.”
Othello. “I think thou dost. And, for I know thou’rt full of love and honesty…blah blah blah.”
Iago. “For Michael Cassio, I dare be sworn, I think that he is honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
*more blah blah blah*
Iago. “I do beseech you—though I perchance am vicious in my guess (as I confess it is my nature’s plague to spy into abuses, and of my jealousy…)”
Othello. “What dost thou mean?”
Iago. “Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, is the immediate jewel of their souls……..”
Othello. “By heaven, I’ll know thy thoughts!”
Iago. “O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
Translated into English:
Iago. “When you were trying to get Desdemona, did Cassio know about it?”
Othello. “Yep. The whole deal. Why do you ask?”
Iago. “Oh, for no reason. I just wanted to know.”
Othello. “Uh, what are you saying?”
Iago. “Oh, I just didn’t know that he knew her before.”
Othello. “Oh yes. He was our messenger.”
Iago. “Indeed?”
Othello. “Yep. What are you saying? Is he not honest?”
Iago. “Honest?”
Othello. “Yeah, honest.”
Iago. “Well, I wouldn’t know.”
Othello. “Well, what do you think?”
Iago. “Think?”
Othello. “Yes, you bastard, stop repeating what I said. You’re avoiding the subject. If you’re my friend, spit it out.”
Iago. “Oh, you know I like you.”
Othello. “Yeah, I know. And I also know that you’re so honest and full of love.”
(ROFL WTF? HAHAHAHAH. That entertained me to no end. Iago? HONEST? Pffffffttttt. Good one, Othello.)
Iago. “Well then, I think Cassio’s honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
Iago. “Uh, I guess there’s no point in all this because since I’m a really bad person, I might have just guessed wrong and saw something out of nothing.”
(See how he’s trying to brush it off and make Othello even MORE curious?)
Othello. “…What do you mean?” (Oh, you poor, poor confused soul.)
Iago. “*he goes off-topic even more and says some crap that I don’t understand.*”
Othello. “GOD FUCK IT. For the love of Christ, JUST TELL ME ALREADY.”
Iago. “Oh, well, what I’m saying is, don’t be jealous! Jealousy is so totally bad for you, you know?”
…You see how Iago never actually says that Desdemona and Cassio are having an affair?
He just hints at it vaguely, and asks very subtle questions like “honest, my lord?” to lead Othello on and to get Othello to piece it together on his own. *w* Skilllllz.
Okay. Then Iago tells Othello that Cassio’s been having lewd dreams about Desdemona (LIES!) and that he’s seen Desdemona’s handkerchief in Cassio’s room. Othello gets really pissed because that handkerchief was like, the first token he gave to Desdemona or something.
…This makes NO SENSE AT ALL because FIVE MINUTES AGO, Othello met Desdemona and saw her use that handkerchief. But Iago’s so good at manipulating Othello that he doesn’t even see this obvious lie. Which again proves Iago’s godliness.
And that handkerchief? Iago asked his wife to take it from Desdemona, and then he put it in Cassio’s bedroom.
…Anyway. Othello got so mad that he decided that both Cassio and Desdemona needed to die. He doesn’t even ask them what happened and doesn’t try to talk to Desdemona at all, because he believes Iago so utterly that Iago’s name is now “Honest Iago”. I quote this line because it is just too damned funny:
Othello. [talking about Iago] “This fellow’s of exceeding honesty!”
…Excuse me while I laugh maniacally at this irony. Pffft. IAGO. EXCEEDINGLY HONEST. HAHAHAHH.
So Iago, I think you’re such an honest person! Serious! Be my best friend forever?
So there you have it. Everyone pretty much dies at the end, just like in any good old Shakespearean tragedy. Iago doesn’t die, but got dragged away. He did kill his wife before he went though. What’s a villain without that final act of evil? *applauds*
I have to admit Shakespeare’s pretty damn cool to have created such a wondrous villain.
Iago, you’re officially my most favoritest villain ever. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why the villains are so much more awesome than the heroes. Kind of lame, really. The heroes, I mean. All the heroes in this play were so stupid. But Iago was just like, so GOOD at being evil that he made the whole play for me. *worships*.
…And that concludes our Super Villain Profile #1.
Hahahahahah. Another super boring review! I’m so fail. And how did this one turn out so long? I’m sorry for destroying half your brain cells trying to read through this. Es tut mir Leid.
–Sarah, who will now hide in shame and retire for some time thinking up more boring reviews.
History Lesson #1 — Chinese Revolution
10/09/2009
The below article is written for entertainment purpose only. It is in no way politically correct or historically accurate and does not reflect the opinions of any of the staff here at No Fricken Clue.
China’s revolution lasted quite a while. After two wars with Japan (which they lost) and two more with Great Britain over drugs (which they lost again), Chinese people were pissed off at their emperor for being an idiot. Or maybe they were just pissed off at him for wearing such a silly hat that looked like a pie and fifty necklaces.
Pictured: Most womanly Emperor ever
So the Chinese people were pissed off, and was like “Fuck this shit man, China’s lagging behind the rest of the world. IT MUST BE OUR EMPEROR’S FAULT! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTIONNNNNNNNNN!”
So they started the revolution in 1919 against the Manchu royal family. Needless to say it was a mess, for China had always been ruled by emperors and the people did not know which new government to set up in place of the old one. In some places the Manchu rule was even reinstated briefly. Despite their emperor being a huge pansy, he was still less of a pansy than the rest of the country.
Then this guy came along.
Pictured: Mao Ze Dong (sexiest thing since sex)
He was an elementary school teacher. So kids, next time you have suspicions that your teacher is a little bit off, be very wary, he could be a communist that starts a cultural revolution that kills two to three million people.
Now Mao decided it was time to start his own party. Now, in the 1920s, Communism was the Ipod of the 1920’s. All the cool countries were doing it! The Russians were doing it, and the Yugoslavs were considering it, and Cubans… well… Anyway, the Communists seems to be having a lot of fun with their new government system. Look how much bigger they have gotten! That’s what she said.
Anyway, this sexy elementary school teacher’s mole thought communism was a really really good idea. So he started the 共产党.
Pinyin: Gong Chan Dang
Official translation: Communist Party of China
Literal translation: Shared/Equal Production Party
Translation closest to the meaning: Worker’s Union
What it means to the Chinese people: Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao.
To every person there is an opposite. Mao of course had an opposite. His name is the Anti-Mao.
He was the leader of the Nationalist Party of China. Also known as the Anti-Mao League.
Usually the revolution would have taken around five years. Then Japan decided to invade North-East China (also known as Manchuria). They did not want creeper Russia breathing down China’s neck, and they wanted to expand their territory. So they kidnapped the last so called ‘emperor’ Puyi, and set up a puppet government in Manchuria, where they proceeded to use it as a giant bio-lab.
Then WW2 broke out and then some complicated shit happened down in Pearl Harbor. There were involvements with Australians warning the US hours before the actual bombing and blah blah blah (you can go look in history textbooks yourself). Then a whole bunch of things happened with Germany and the funny guy with his crazy theory of relativity… In the end the US decided to crap two dookies on Japan. On Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
On manga porn stores.
Pictured: What hundreds of manga porn looks like when it’s on fire.
Oh the humanity.
Apparently that was not the reason that Japan surrendered. Russia declared war on Japanese manga and sought to revise its contents to erase porn and glorify communism two days after the bombing, THEN Japan surrendered. Russia 1, United States 0. The dookies were scary, but nothing beats the fear and hopelessness that communism-ized manga holds over the Japanese.
“いいえ！’かわいい愛’ストア爆弾をしないでください!”
(No! Please don’t bomb the ‘Cute Love’ store!)
Here’s how to pronounce it to the Japanese fangirls: Iie! Kawai ai sotoa bakudan o si nai te ku da sa i!
(i-EH! Ka-WAHy-ie suto-a bakudan oh xi na-yi teh ku da sa-yi!)
So China with its revived vitality and help from the Russians drove the Japanese out. Then the Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao and the Anti-Mao League duke it out until 1949, when Chairman Mao won and Anti-Mao was declared traitor to the county and the Anti-Mao League was forced to move to Taiwan. Mao established the 中华人民共合国.
Pinyin: Zong hua ren min gong he guo.
Official translation: People’s Republic of China.
Literal translation: United People’s Shared Republic of China.
Translation closest to the meaning: United States of China
What it means to the Chinese people: Our Glorious Country Born Out of the Blood Spilled by Our Courageous Communist Soldiers Run by the Sexiest Chairman Since Sex.
They proceeded to do typical communist things like ban all artistic expression and eat babies. Now Mao’s mole had a man-crush on Stalin’s mustache (or something), and decided to declare this to the world by making the Chinese flag an almost exact replica of the USSR’s. Except instead of a scythe and a hammer, he chose five super manly stars. It was just convenient that Stalin’s mustache was crushing on Mao’s mole at the time. And hence begun a not-so-beautiful relationship.
Pictured: Look how manly China’s flag is. Just look at it. It sparkles.
So after a few very crazy insane years involving some nuclear testing, wars in Korea and Vietnam, cultural revolution, Mao’s mole suddenly stopped man crushing on Stalin’s mustache when he realized that mustache wanted Manchuria. One thing lead to another and before they knew it, they… broke up.
It was a messy breakup. The USSR went berserk and tried to beat China up and add it to its collection of shrunken country heads with the Baltics and the Countries Ending in –stans. They did not officially declare war on each other although that would have made an epic Shakespearean play, but China lost the ‘minor’ border disputes, and Manchuria was split in half. Is anybody else getting the notion that Manchuria is more trouble than it’s worth?
So they severed their ties afterwards. Mao dies. The next chairman is the Less-Sexier-Than-Mao-But-Still-Damn-Sexy Deng Xiao Ping, who supposedly studied in France and built the party on basis of “LOL MAO WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and the chairman after him built “LOL DENG WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and all the chairmen have carried on this tradition.
Then everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Tibet.
I blame Manchuria.
Hoshit I think I would have been shot on spot if I had posted this while in China.
… *wibble*
DON’T KILL ME CHINA IS FUCKING AWESOME WITH THE SEXIEST CHAIRMAN EVER AND MANCHURIA IS NOT USELESS GAHHHHHHHHH JUST DON’T SHOOT ME I HAVE RELATIVES IN ANSHAN, DALIAN AND SHANGHAI JUST DON’T SHOOT ME GODDAMNIT…!–Annie
