My mom (yes, my mom) sent me a chinese joke. I never get tired of political humour… XD
The Joke (In Mandarin):
世界是一个班级， 美国是班长 中国就是团支书 狂经典
1、美国 班长，学习好，家里有钱，人高马大，好打架,经常欺负别人。班里没几个人敢惹他。 和副班长关系不好。
10、巴基斯坦 职务无。成绩一般。和团支书关系不错，经常和印度吵架。 1
The Joke, translated:
The World is a classroom. United States is the Class president. China is the chairman.
1. United States, President. Good grades, upperclass. Most built in the class. Loves to fight, and bullies other students. Not alot of students stands up to him. His relationship with the Vice President is abysmal.
2. Russia, Vice President. Very high grades. Tallest in the class. Had a fight with the President last semester, but then things at home lead to his family being separated. Right now he’s rather quiet, but he has a certain influence.
3. China, Chairman. Genius in kindergarten, but got bullied a lot because of his small structure. Likes to brag when he’s bored. The Vice President protects him.
4. United Kingdom, Academics Representative. Good grades, rich upper class family. Class tag-along. Doesn’t really have opinions, listens to the President for everything. Beat up Iraq with the President a few days ago.
5. Switzerland, Visual Arts Representative. Prettiest girl in class. Good grades, high class. Extremely refined.
6. Austria, Music Representative.
7. Afganistan, regular student. Hates studying, scrawny. Got beaten up badly by the Vice President last semester, and the President helped to pay for his medical bills. A few days ago he broke two tallest pieces of furniture in the Presidents house. After being beaten up half to death by the President, he is suffering from amnesia.
8. Iraq, regular student. Horrible grades, but is tall and built. Fourth tallest out of the whole class last semester. Irrationally vocal, last semester he got ganged up on for bullying his desk buddy. The President and the Academics Representative stormed his house and beat the living crap out of him.
9. India, Information Technology representative. Loves to play on the computer. Has frequent squabbles with his desk buddy over desk space.
10. Pakistan, regular student. Average grades, good relations with the Chairman. Squabbles with India over desk space.
11. Germany, regular student. Participates actively in class and is serious about school. Very well built, he is good at scientific/math studies. He has a wild side. He was on the student council, but was kicked out when he started two riots. He is good at accepting full responsibility.
12. Japan, regular student. Good grades. Has some (very) questionable thoughts sometimes. Got beaten up by the Chairman and others last semester. Now he often reminesces about the aquarium in the Chairman’s house.
13. Vietnam, regular student. Has some questionable morals. Very frail. Got into a fight with the President last semester. Lucky for him he had the support of the Chairman and Vice President. Then he went to pick a fight with the Chairman, and got his ass handed to him.
14. North Korea, regular student. Isolationist. Good relations with the Chairman. The president and him has been butting heads recently, and the President announces he’s going to kick North Korea’s ass…
15. South Korea, regular student. Thoughts even more questionable than Japan’s. Likes to steal from the Chairman’s house, which he then shamelessly shows it off. Protected by the President.
I had to change a few things here and there for it to make sense. For example, 班长 does not translate into ‘President’, it translates into ‘battalion leader’. The Chinese classroom has an interesting system: there will be a ‘battalion leader’ who will be in charge when the teacher is away, and a ‘vice-batallion leader’ to help out the ‘battalion leader’ when he needs it. Then there’ll be representatives for every subject and they’ll be responsible for everything that happens in that class. There are also some stupid titles such as ‘hygenics representative’ and ‘lunch representative’… more often than not, the class is so big that they have to split them up into even smaller groups, resulting in ‘platoon leaders’ and ‘sub-platoon leaders’…
Yeah it’s really communist sounding, isn’t it?
It IS everywhere. Just a short article today – this is too … shocking not to be shared.
So I was checking my email on whether my printing order is completed, and glanced over at the news.
I don’t know what’s more shocking – that they only had three McDonalds, or that they had to close down the three McDonalds because making a burger is getting expensive. I just went to McDonalds yesterday. They had my little pony ponies for happy meal toys (I got one, I’m happy).
“…McDonald’s, which currently operates in more than 119 countries on six continents, has exited a country. Its one and only restaurant in Barbados closed after just six months in 1996 because of slow sales. In 2002, the company pulled out of seven countries, including Bolivia, that had poor profit margins…”
The UN recognizes around 194-ish countries. Tiny countries like Micronesia must make up about another twenty. Then there are the third world countries that are really really poor, which makes up about thirty, and then there’s the dictator countries like North Korea and (somewhat) Belarus…
In other words, McDonalds operates in every country it possibly can.
Even China has it. :-/. But then, China has KFC as well… even if nobody in China knows what KFC stands for. They just assume it’s Cornel’s name. XD
Watch out people… The Taliban is not about to take over the world — McDonalds is.
– Annie (Astro boy is creepy.)
I was planning on getting off this wonderful (yet strangely distracting) blog for a while.
Really. I did. Sarah doesn’t lie.
But when I turn on the car radio this morning, what do I hear but…
TORONTO wins the World Pride 2014 bid.
(See how “Toronto” is 7 letters and therefore can form a perfect rainbow? It’s meant to be.)
…Well, Annie was going to suggest pink feathered boas, but this is somehow even better because it’s filled with…well…pink…tentacles. Fantastique!
What made this thing even BETTER was that we won over STOCKHOLM. For those of you who don’t know, Stockholm is the capital of Sweden, and Sweden is that place where IKEA was born, and consequently the place where we owe all our cheap furniture to. Just think about it for a few moments–
We won over the country where the God of furniture IKEA came from.
Sorry, IKEA. Forgive us.
I mean, the fact that Toronto won over any other city is pretty shocking in itself. Nobody really pays any attention to Canada due to our godly invisibility laid-backness , and we’re more like an accessory at the world meetings than anything else.
Canada during a world meeting.
…So I was completely surprised to hear that Toronto even bidded for the Olympics. I felt kinda bad afterwards because I didn’t even know. Toronto actually came in second, right after Beijing, and I didn’t even know.
|2008 Host City Election — ballot results|
|City||Country (NOC)||Round 1||Round 2|
Lookie! Toronto was second!
In fact, Toronto was sooooo close to winning. Then the mayor just had to make a derogatory remark about Kenya and completely destroyed me and Annie’s chances of just waltzing out the door and watching the Olympics live while enjoying some Creme Brulee flavoured ice-cream. What a douchebag.
=/ …I guess we got the 2010 winter olympics because the summer olympics committee felt sorry for us. Because, you know, Canada does try. To, um, stand out more. But the key word here is “try“.
…How on Earth did I get so off topic?
Anyway. This is why I’m so happy — Toronto finally won SOMETHING. I’m so proud. :’D
Actually, I take that back. If there is a world event for weed, we would totally win. After all, what is British Columbia famous for?
yes, that’s right. Global Marijuana March, exclusively in B.C.!
So, here, enjoy some general information about the World Pride event, courtesy of my lover Wikipedia:
- WorldPride, organised by InterPride, is an event that promotes lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT pride) issues on an international level through parades, festivals and other cultural activities. From 2014 (that’s us!!!), the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, the event will be held on a five-year cycle. The Inaugural WorldPride was held in Roma in 2000, subsequently the second WorldPride was awarded to Jerusalem in 2006. WorldPride 2012 was awarded to London and coincides with Europride. The selection of WorldPride 2014 was chosen on October 18, 2009; the two candidates were Toronto and Stockholm, with Toronto winning a 2/3rds majority of votes on the second round (FUCK EH YES). The host cities are selected by InterPride, an international association of pride coordinators, at their Annual General Meeting.
Why Toronto is going to be awesome:
Okay. A little history of World Pride is necessary here. If you’re really religious, you might want to stop reading right around here. Sorry.
(Although I don’t get why some people are upset about this event…everyone finds different things worthy of celebrating.)
The event hasn’t really been running…smoothly in the past few years. Here’s what happened in 2000:
- The first WorldPride was held in Roma from 1 July to 9 July; however, city officials pulled funding on May 29 for the celebration, saying the gay event would hurt Pope John Paul II’s feelings. The city had promised to put up US$200,000 for the event, but the Vatican pressured the city to postpone it because it is scheduled at the same time as the Holy Year Jubilee celebration.
I’m actually serious.
The city bailed on the event because it would fucking hurt the Pope’s feelings.
D: My feelings are so hurt!
Then here’s what happened in 2006:
- The first attempt to hold WorldPride in Jerusalem was in 2005, however it was postponed until 2006 because of tensions surrounding Israel’s withdrawal from the Gaza Strip. In 2006, WorldPride started in Jerusalem and the main parade was scheduled for the 6th of August but received harsh objection from Israeli religious circles from the offshoot. It was eventually cancelled due to the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict
Um, yeah. Which bright fellow voted to have the biggest Pride festival in years in Jerusalem of all places, the Bible’s “city of GOD”?!
– I quote: “Received harsh objections from Israeli religious circles”
…I’m SO shocked.
Go ahead. Do it.
Now, I would like to make the following announcement:
- The 2012 World Pride is going to be held in London, England. Please ensure that you have an umbrella with you at all times, because you know damn well it’s going to rain. (Annie has a conveniently placed weather forecast of England on her computer, and it generally goes like this: Monday – rain; Tuesday – rain; Wednesday – rain; Thursday – rain; Friday – rain.)
So given the pretty fucked-up history of this event, Toronto’s going to be a refreshing change because goodness knows that we are too lazy to organize any sort of religious uprisings, the Pope doesn’t live here, and we will never ever (ever ever ever ever ever) have any sort of political crisis. Ever. Everrrr. That sort of exciting thing just doesn’t happen in Canada.
- WorldPride 2014 in Toronto will include: an opening ceremony reminiscent of the Barcelona and Atlanta opening ceremonies; an international human rights conference; a variety of networking and social events including Canada Day and US Independence Day celebrations and an exhibition commemorating the 45th anniversary of Stonewall. Pride Toronto officials said that Pride Week 2009 drew an estimated one million people to Toronto and contributed $136 million to the city’s economy, and state that they expect WorldPride to be about five times bigger.
YES. You go, Toronto. We’re going to show everyone how accepting and friendly we are with epic rainbows.
Oh, yeah. There’s also a whole Pride Toronto website filled with rainbows, because Toronto has a pretty famous and delicious Pride Parade every year. Here, go waste some time and check it out:
…I shall leave you with that. Make of it what you will. (And come to Toronto in 2014 and give us some money.)
And lastly — R AINBOWS! :D:D:D
As anyone that has gone onto Yahoo! knows, the Human Development Index is out. The HDI is usually considered the most ‘official’ ranking of livability of countries.
1. Norway 172. Moxambique
2. Australia 173. Guinea-Bissau
3. Iceland 174. Brurndi
4. Canada (FUCKING EH ) 175. Chad
5. Ireland 176. Democratic Republic of Congo
6. Netherlands 177. Burkina Faso
7. Sweden 178. Mali
8. France 179. Central African Republic
9. Switzerland 180. Sierra Leone
10. Japan 181. Afganistan
11. Luxembourg 182. Niger
Guess which number the United States is.
No, really, guess.
You really must guess.
GUESS, YOU JACKASS.
DOWN IN NUMBER THIRTEEN. HAHA WE BEAT YOU.
So I did some digging around. And by digging around I meant Wikipedia.
So this is how they do it. They take life expectancy at birth, adult literacy rate, school enrollment ratio, and standard of living (aka how rich they are). They mash them all together to create an average and BOOM! Ranking of the countries.
I looked around some more and apparently Canada tops the list by getting number one EIGHT TIMES (fuckYES). Norway got it seven times. Japan got it three times and Iceland got it twice. They revised some of the lists this year, and unfortunately in the revised one, Canada only nabbed two top spots out of eight. Norway got the rest. But that’s my Canadian mind talking.
Then I checked out some of the lists from the year before, to see if anything has changed. The data off of which the HDI is calculated is in the bracket.
2009’s data (2007): 1. Norway 2. Australia 3. Iceland 4. Canada 5. Ireland
2008’s data (2006): 1. Iceland 2. Norway 3. Canada 4. Australia 5. Ireland
2007’s data (2005): 1. Iceland 2. Norway 3. Australia 4. Canada 5. Ireland.
2006’s data (2004): 1. Norway 2. Iceland 3. Australia 4. Ireland 5. Sweden
2005’s data (2003): 1. Norway 2. Iceland 3. Australia 4. Luxembourg 5 Canada
Does it EVER change? Apart from switching around a few places, the only changes to the top five are Canada dropping out in 2006 (to sixth place, big whoop), and Luxembourg in 2005. Norway, Iceland, Australia, Canada and Ireland seems to be owning everybody, by the looks of it.
Do you notice how they’re all neutral (not counting NATO and past world wars)? But then you can argue about the World Wars, since Australia got dragged in to both forcibly, Canada had to join WWII to show he wasn’t a mama’s boy as British as he seemed, Norway and Iceland got invaded, and Ireland was a part of The British Empire in World War I so…
Maybe trades are better coz no country holds grudges against them or something…?
The list has been criticized for being too focused on money and not on the actual happiness of the people. Well let’s just see about that…
Satisfaction with Life Index (because this one looked like it made more sense than the ‘Happy Planet Index’)
1. Denmark 168. Swaziland
2. Switzerland 169. Georgia
3. Austria 170. Belarus
4. Iceland 171. Turkmenistan
5. The Bahamas 172. Armenia
6. Finland 173. Sudan
7. Sweden 174. Ukraine
8. Bhutan 175. Moldova
9. Brunei 176. Democratic Republic of Congo
10. Canada 177. Zimbabwe
11. Ireland 178. Burundi
OH MAI. NORWAY DOES NOT SHOW UP ON THIS ONE. NEITHER DOES AUSTRALIA. Other countries in the top 10 HDI that are not in the top 10 SLI are: Netherlands, France, Japan, and Luxembourg.
Japan not showing up is expected. The amount of emos in that country is astronomical.
The countries in the lowest for both lists are Brurndi and the Democratic Republic of Congo. I’m not sure if Brurndi is crappy in general or something, but Democratic Republic of Congo was a given. First of all, it’s in Africa. Second, it’s ruled by a dictator. Third, it’s shit poor. Fourth… well it has the word ‘democratic’ in their country name. Which other country has the word ‘democratic’ that we know of…? People’s Republic Of Tyranny, if you will.
How does this relate and why should we care? I don’t know. Just look at all the graphs before moving to a country based blindly on HDI. Norway may be number one on the list, but chances are if you move there, you’ll spend all of your life savings within the first month and get savagely attacked by polar bears. You’ll always need to conserve water in Australia. ICELAND HAS NO TREES (and is bankrupt), Canada is awesome (if you don’t live in Toronto or Vancouver) and Ireland… fiddily dee! Potatoes!
I would write more, but I’m hungry. I don’t even know what’s the main point in this article (did I even have a point when I started?), so I’ll leave it at that.
All I know that is when I get rich, I am SOOOOO packing my bags and moving to Svalbard.
– Annie (brb gone to get food)
Yet another really boring and really long review from me. I’ve been doing these so much that I should be dragged out and shot. Really, I’m just enjoying my last few hours of freedom before my dear mother comes to visit and I lose all forms of freedom for 72 hours.
So, I’ve been reading a play by a certain writer named William Shakespeare. Heard of him? I bet you have. This guy is practically second only to Chuck Norris.
The Real Guy
Hollywood’s Version of the guy. *Cough*.
The play’s called Othello. And it’s pretty damned cool for something that’s written four hundred years ago and in barely intelligible English. I thought I’d never say I enjoyed some Shakespeare, but…
We’re talking about the greatest villain ever here.
Greatest villain ever. Ohohohoho.
Greatest Villains Ever Profile #1:
Name: Iago (ee-AH-go)
Nationality: Italian (Venice)
Area of Evil: Manipulation (level: hardcore)
Why he’s evil: He gives some very sketchy reasons in the play. It can be assumed that he’s evil just for the sake of being evil. Which is the greatest kind of evil there is. I mean, just like how Chuck Norris needs no reason to be awesome, Iago needs no reason to be the greatest villain ever.
- Roderigo: oh, the poor rich bastard. Iago talked him into giving up all his money, and got him into doing all sorts of dirty work for Iago, such as picking a fight with Cassio (see below) and getting hurt pretty badly along the way.
- Michael Cassio: this guy is actually such a good guy it’s not even funny. He’s honorable, polite, and acts like a gentleman, but unfortunately he got promoted and Iago didn’t, and so Iago wants to destroy him. Iago got Othello to believe that Cassio was having an affair with Othello’s wife (see below) when the poor guy just wanted to be with a nice prostitute named Bianca.
- Desdemona: oh boy. This lady’s the worst off yet. She was just a pretty darling who didn’t do ANYTHING AT ALL, but got strangled by her own hubby because Iago’s just cool that way.
- Othello: Can’t say much about him. He was kind of stupid. He realized too late that Iago’s been duping him all this time, and when he did realize it he just killed himself. Way to make Iago’s day complete.
…See that dude on the left? That’s Mike.
Ooh, lookie! How precious!
…See that dude on the left? That’s our lame hero.
–“Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is tupping your white ewe.” — Notable for epic use of imagery.
If you cannot imagine what that means, congratulations, your mind is more innocent than mine.
How He Did It:
Okay. So from the very beginning, Iago gives a speech about how he hates Othello for no reason. So then, he initiated Plan A.
Plan A: Tell Desdemona’s father that Othello’s having sex with “tupping” the girl to get the father angry, and so the father’ll murder Othello. Back in those days, Othello was definitely the odd one out for being African, and Elizabethan England certainly didn’t have any racial rights laws. (Are you kidding me? All the Monarchs before Elizabeth were like, on crack. Just go see Henry VIII’s pathetic life –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_VIII_of_England )
(And thus Iago’s description of “old black ram tupping your white ewe”. Pfffftt. I’m sorry to say I was pretty amused by this bit of animal imagery. Oh, Shakespeare.)
Okay, this sounds all nice and dandy, except that it failed.
Because Desdemona was all like, Oh yeah, no problem, I actually fell in love with him and he didn’t rape me or anything.
No, Dad, really. He didn’t rape me. I’m so in loovvve.
Well, okay, not really. This is what she really said:
Desdemona. “But here’s my husband, and so much duty as my mother showed to you, preferring you before her father, so much I challenge that I may profess due to the Moor my lord.”
Translated into English, that would be something like this:
Desdemona. “Well, I’m married to this guy now, so I’m going to listen to him and forget about you okay? Bye Dad.”
Okay, so at this point Iago’s pretty damn disappointed.
So, on to Plan B: Why not destroy everyone with one plan?
Iago: DIE, you…dipshit.
So Iago thought he’d get Othello to believe that Cassio is having an affair with Desdemona, so that Othello’ll get so mad he’ll just kill both of them.
I bet he didn’t think that Othello will off himself at the end too. What a pleasant surprise.
…What the. You mean he killed himself? How convenient!
BUT. The Duke sends Othello to Cyprus to kick some Ottoman butt.
…so then everyone follows him to Cyprus, only to discover that all the Ottoman butts already drowned in a seastorm.
…lolwhat? Othello & Co. were travelling on the SAME SEA at the SAME TIME but all the Turkish people drowned in a giant sea storm and nothing happened to Othello & Co.? Nice going, Shakespeare. Go study some logic.
So anyway. The first thing Iago did was to get Cassio drunk and then get Roderigo to pick a fight with him. Iago made sure that this happened while Othello was… “enjoying his wedding night” (Read: getting some. Well, it’s Shakespeare. Everything is a sexual innuendo.), so that when he has to “wake up” to deal with this, he would be damned pissed.
I’m sorry to say that it worked to perfection. Othello was really damned pissed when he had to come to the crime scene wearing a bed sheet…thing.
…I wouldn’t lie to you.
So now, Cassio’s demoted and Iago gets the job. Iago: 1, Cassio: -1.
But oh no, this is not enough for our dear diabolical Iago. Othello’s still happy in his wedded bliss “enjoying” his wife. That wouldn’t do at all, ja?
Also! I would like to quote here the following conversation between Iago and Othello. If you don’t want to read the original Shakespeare gibberish and would like to go straight to the English translation, then just scroll down until you see red (the color of communism! Yeah!)
Iago. “Did Michael Cassio, when you wooed my lady, know of your love?”
Othello. “He did, from first to last. Why dost thou ask?”
Iago. “But for a satisfaction of my thought, no further harm.”
Othello. “Why of thy thought, Iago?”
Iago. “I did not think he had been acquainted with her.”
Othello. “O, yes, and went between us very oft.”
Othello. “Indeed. Ay, indeed! Discern’st thou aught in that? Is he not honest?”
Iago. “Honest, my lord?”
Othello. “Honest? Ay, honest.”
Iago. “My lord, for aught I know.”
Othello. “What dost thou think?”
Iago. “Think, my lord?”
Othello. “Think, my lord? Thou echoest me. As if there were some monster in thy thought…”
*I blanked out during the rest of the paragraph.”
Othello. “If thou dost love me, show me thy thought.”
Iago. “My lord, you know I love you.”
Othello. “I think thou dost. And, for I know thou’rt full of love and honesty…blah blah blah.”
Iago. “For Michael Cassio, I dare be sworn, I think that he is honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
*more blah blah blah*
Iago. “I do beseech you—though I perchance am vicious in my guess (as I confess it is my nature’s plague to spy into abuses, and of my jealousy…)”
Othello. “What dost thou mean?”
Iago. “Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, is the immediate jewel of their souls……..”
Othello. “By heaven, I’ll know thy thoughts!”
Iago. “O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
Translated into English:
Iago. “When you were trying to get Desdemona, did Cassio know about it?”
Othello. “Yep. The whole deal. Why do you ask?”
Iago. “Oh, for no reason. I just wanted to know.”
Othello. “Uh, what are you saying?”
Iago. “Oh, I just didn’t know that he knew her before.”
Othello. “Oh yes. He was our messenger.”
Othello. “Yep. What are you saying? Is he not honest?”
Othello. “Yeah, honest.”
Iago. “Well, I wouldn’t know.”
Othello. “Well, what do you think?”
Othello. “Yes, you bastard, stop repeating what I said. You’re avoiding the subject. If you’re my friend, spit it out.”
Iago. “Oh, you know I like you.”
Othello. “Yeah, I know. And I also know that you’re so honest and full of love.”
(ROFL WTF? HAHAHAHAH. That entertained me to no end. Iago? HONEST? Pffffffttttt. Good one, Othello.)
Iago. “Well then, I think Cassio’s honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
Iago. “Uh, I guess there’s no point in all this because since I’m a really bad person, I might have just guessed wrong and saw something out of nothing.”
(See how he’s trying to brush it off and make Othello even MORE curious?)
Othello. “…What do you mean?” (Oh, you poor, poor confused soul.)
Iago. “*he goes off-topic even more and says some crap that I don’t understand.*”
Othello. “GOD FUCK IT. For the love of Christ, JUST TELL ME ALREADY.”
Iago. “Oh, well, what I’m saying is, don’t be jealous! Jealousy is so totally bad for you, you know?”
…You see how Iago never actually says that Desdemona and Cassio are having an affair?
He just hints at it vaguely, and asks very subtle questions like “honest, my lord?” to lead Othello on and to get Othello to piece it together on his own. *w* Skilllllz.
Okay. Then Iago tells Othello that Cassio’s been having lewd dreams about Desdemona (LIES!) and that he’s seen Desdemona’s handkerchief in Cassio’s room. Othello gets really pissed because that handkerchief was like, the first token he gave to Desdemona or something.
…This makes NO SENSE AT ALL because FIVE MINUTES AGO, Othello met Desdemona and saw her use that handkerchief. But Iago’s so good at manipulating Othello that he doesn’t even see this obvious lie. Which again proves Iago’s godliness.
And that handkerchief? Iago asked his wife to take it from Desdemona, and then he put it in Cassio’s bedroom.
…Anyway. Othello got so mad that he decided that both Cassio and Desdemona needed to die. He doesn’t even ask them what happened and doesn’t try to talk to Desdemona at all, because he believes Iago so utterly that Iago’s name is now “Honest Iago”. I quote this line because it is just too damned funny:
Othello. [talking about Iago] “This fellow’s of exceeding honesty!”
…Excuse me while I laugh maniacally at this irony. Pffft. IAGO. EXCEEDINGLY HONEST. HAHAHAHH.
So Iago, I think you’re such an honest person! Serious! Be my best friend forever?
So there you have it. Everyone pretty much dies at the end, just like in any good old Shakespearean tragedy. Iago doesn’t die, but got dragged away. He did kill his wife before he went though. What’s a villain without that final act of evil? *applauds*
I have to admit Shakespeare’s pretty damn cool to have created such a wondrous villain.
Iago, you’re officially my most favoritest villain ever. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why the villains are so much more awesome than the heroes. Kind of lame, really. The heroes, I mean. All the heroes in this play were so stupid. But Iago was just like, so GOOD at being evil that he made the whole play for me. *worships*.
…And that concludes our Super Villain Profile #1.
Hahahahahah. Another super boring review! I’m so fail. And how did this one turn out so long? I’m sorry for destroying half your brain cells trying to read through this. Es tut mir Leid.
–Sarah, who will now hide in shame and retire for some time thinking up more boring reviews.
The below article is written for entertainment purpose only. It is in no way politically correct or historically accurate and does not reflect the opinions of any of the staff here at No Fricken Clue.
China’s revolution lasted quite a while. After two wars with Japan (which they lost) and two more with Great Britain over drugs (which they lost again), Chinese people were pissed off at their emperor for being an idiot. Or maybe they were just pissed off at him for wearing such a silly hat that looked like a pie and fifty necklaces.
Pictured: Most womanly Emperor ever
So the Chinese people were pissed off, and was like “Fuck this shit man, China’s lagging behind the rest of the world. IT MUST BE OUR EMPEROR’S FAULT! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTIONNNNNNNNNN!”
So they started the revolution in 1919 against the Manchu royal family. Needless to say it was a mess, for China had always been ruled by emperors and the people did not know which new government to set up in place of the old one. In some places the Manchu rule was even reinstated briefly. Despite their emperor being a huge pansy, he was still less of a pansy than the rest of the country.
Then this guy came along.
Pictured: Mao Ze Dong (sexiest thing since sex)
He was an elementary school teacher. So kids, next time you have suspicions that your teacher is a little bit off, be very wary, he could be a communist that starts a cultural revolution that kills two to three million people.
Now Mao decided it was time to start his own party. Now, in the 1920s, Communism was the Ipod of the 1920’s. All the cool countries were doing it! The Russians were doing it, and the Yugoslavs were considering it, and Cubans… well… Anyway, the Communists seems to be having a lot of fun with their new government system. Look how much bigger they have gotten! That’s what she said.
Anyway, this sexy elementary school teacher’s mole thought communism was a really really good idea. So he started the 共产党.
Pinyin: Gong Chan Dang
Official translation: Communist Party of China
Literal translation: Shared/Equal Production Party
Translation closest to the meaning: Worker’s Union
What it means to the Chinese people: Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao.
To every person there is an opposite. Mao of course had an opposite. His name is the Anti-Mao.
He was the leader of the Nationalist Party of China. Also known as the Anti-Mao League.
Usually the revolution would have taken around five years. Then Japan decided to invade North-East China (also known as Manchuria). They did not want creeper Russia breathing down China’s neck, and they wanted to expand their territory. So they kidnapped the last so called ‘emperor’ Puyi, and set up a puppet government in Manchuria, where they proceeded to use it as a giant bio-lab.
Then WW2 broke out and then some complicated shit happened down in Pearl Harbor. There were involvements with Australians warning the US hours before the actual bombing and blah blah blah (you can go look in history textbooks yourself). Then a whole bunch of things happened with Germany and the funny guy with his crazy theory of relativity… In the end the US decided to crap two dookies on Japan. On Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
On hentai stores.
Pictured: What hundreds of manga porn looks like when it’s on fire.
Oh the humanity.
Apparently that was not the reason that Japan surrendered. Russia declared war on Japanese manga and sought to revise its contents to erase porn and glorify communism two days after the bombing, THEN Japan surrendered. Russia 1, United States 0. The dookies were scary, but nothing beats the fear and hopelessness that communism-ized manga holds over the Japanese.
(No! Please don’t bomb the ‘Cute Love’ store!)
Here’s how to pronounce it to the Japanese fangirls: Iie! Kawai ai sotoa bakudan o si nai te ku da sa i!
(i-EH! Ka-WAHy-ie suto-a bakudan oh xi na-yi teh ku da sa-yi!)
So China with its revived vitality and help from the Russians drove the Japanese out. Then the Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao and the Anti-Mao League duke it out until 1949, when Chairman Mao won and Anti-Mao was declared traitor to the county and the Anti-Mao League was forced to move to Taiwan. Mao established the 中华人民共合国.
Pinyin: Zong hua ren min gong he guo.
Official translation: People’s Republic of China.
Literal translation: United People’s Shared Republic of China.
Translation closest to the meaning: United States of China
What it means to the Chinese people: Our Glorious Country Born Out of the Blood Spilled by Our Courageous Communist Soldiers Run by the Sexiest Chairman Since Sex.
They proceeded to do typical communist things like ban all artistic expression and eat babies. Now Mao’s mole had a man-crush on Stalin’s mustache (or something), and decided to declare this to the world by making the Chinese flag an almost exact replica of the USSR’s. Except instead of a scythe and a hammer, he chose five super manly stars. It was just convenient that Stalin’s mustache was crushing on Mao’s mole at the time. And hence begun a not-so-beautiful relationship.
Pictured: Look how manly China’s flag is. Just look at it. It sparkles.
So after a few very crazy insane years involving some nuclear testing, wars in Korea and Vietnam, cultural revolution, Mao’s mole suddenly stopped man crushing on Stalin’s mustache when he realized that mustache wanted Manchuria. One thing lead to another and before they knew it, they… broke up.
It was a messy breakup. The USSR went berserk and tried to beat China up and add it to its collection of shrunken country heads with the Baltics and the Countries Ending in –stans. They did not officially declare war on each other although that would have made an epic Shakespearean play, but China lost the ‘minor’ border disputes, and Manchuria was split in half. Is anybody else getting the notion that Manchuria is more trouble than it’s worth?
So they severed their ties afterwards. Mao dies. The next chairman is the Less-Sexier-Than-Mao-But-Still-Damn-Sexy Deng Xiao Ping, who supposedly studied in France and built the party on basis of “LOL MAO WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and the chairman after him built “LOL DENG WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and all the chairmen have carried on this tradition.
Then everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Tibet.
I blame Manchuria.
Hoshit I think I would have been shot on spot if I had posted this while in China.
DON’T KILL ME CHINA IS FUCKING AWESOME WITH THE SEXIEST CHAIRMAN EVER AND MANCHURIA IS NOT USELESS GAHHHHHHHHH JUST DON’T SHOOT ME I HAVE RELATIVES IN ANSHAN, DALIAN AND SHANGHAI JUST DON’T SHOOT ME GODDAMNIT…!–Annie
Okay, too many things have happened since last Friday…so I’m just going to jam a whole bunch of things in one article.
By the way, I’m updating today (Thursday) instead of the usual Friday because my dear mother is coming to visit tomorrow. Which means Sarah will spend the whole night cleaning tomorrow, the poor sucker.
First of all…Nuit Blanche.
Now, what the hell is Nuit Blanche, and why do we care again?
Nuit Blanche is this annual…art show thingy that goes on downtown every October.
What makes it cooler than other art shows is that it starts at night and goes all the way until sunrise the next day.
What a great excuse to stay out all night and tell your parents you’re “enriching your mind”. Ja? Ja.
So this year me and Annie went with 3 other people (also high school girls. What did you expect?). Sadly, this other girl bailed on us because she had to make out with her boyfriend her parents didn’t let her go.
…Just when I typed that, she logged on MSN. Coincidence?
Or maybe it’s God’s way of saying I shouldn’t be gossiping
So anyway. We didn’t get to see much this year because we had to go home at around 10 and nobody even set up yet. We did see this…18th-century house as well as a bunch of paintings about elastic band balls. They were pretty cool, actually. Here, enjoy a preview.
Pictured: Elastic band roses. Cool.
This is a…heart. Stfu.
And these were my personal favorites:
…If only they weren’t 200 bucks each.
The artist is Joanna Strong, and you can find out more about her here:
Oh and! One store managed to turn its clothing models into MANGA GIRLS. I’m not even joking. I wish I was.
Pictured: HOLY SHIT THE WORLD’S BEING TAKEN OVER BY MANGA GIRLS. RUNNNNNN.
…Is that not the creepiest thing you’ve ever seen? Dear god. This is not healthy for my sanity. Sorry for scarring your mind forever with this atrocity.
Other than that, I’m sorry to say I spent the whole night craving a hotdog and not having any money. That’s basically the worst thing that can happen to you.
I really really really really REALLY wanted a hogdog, goddammit.
Oh, come here, you.
*2 more hours of wanting a hotdog later*
…So I arrived home at approximately 12, and had to go to sleep.
…Only to be woken up by a phone call at 6:33am because I had to go volunteering for some breast cancer thing.
And the high school girl whose dad is driving me was ALREADY DOWN STAIRS WAITING FOR ME.
I spent 2 seconds going, oh shit.
Then began my epic, epic morning rush. I did my washroom stuff (brush teeth, pat down hair), put clothes on, grabbed my bag, my cell phone, my keys, my metropass, my volunteer log, my jacket, my umbrella (just in case), AND my permission form, and ran to the elevator of the apartment, and then ran out the door and got into the car.
…WOW. I was so amazed at myself I was literally like this –> :’D
I’m so pro. So pro. I think I broke some kind of record right there.
And then it turns out that the girl who was driving me forgot to bring her volunteer log. I didn’t even forget anything. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahaha.
What made the day even better?
I FINALLY got my fucking hotdog.
I was so happy.
Okay. Yeah. It was really good. Go, get yourself a hogdog right now. You know you want it.
And the rest of day was just spent waving people into the city hall.
Really, the highlight of the whole day was the pigeons.
You should know that all the pigeons here are gray. And fat.
But amidst the sea of ordinary gray pigeons, there rose one majestic brown pigeon, daring to the different, to stand out—
Pictured: This pigeon being different and brown and awesome.
Here, meet Brownie, the inspirational pigeon of difference. We should all learn from him.
I was literally like, O_O NO WAY IT IS BROWN. BROWN.
Unfortunately, I did not get pictures of the other pigeons that were awesome. Sorry, Beaky, Specks, and Bluehead.
One other thing: we came across THESE.
Pictured: Why our glorious city is awesome.
These dresses were made purely from toilet paper.
This can only be appropriately expressed by keyboard mashing.
a;sldkgah;sklfja;s dkgha;skfja;s kgha;lskfjP AIURPWQIURP SGIHPOAIHPiuePOIFJpdksjgpisua *&@q)#&$q)*e& )U.
…Wow, what boring topics. What a boring post. I blame my mom.
This is sad. Sorry for putting you to sleep. Now, why don’t you hop over to Annie’s amazing, not-boring post on China’s history and the amazingly sexy Chairman Meow Mao? Go ahead. I won’t get mad.
Okay. What we’re talking about today is terribly important. In fact, they matter so much to the world that they need to be acknowledged as places of awesome.
Here, have a preview of Sarah’s favorite micronation:
Pictured: Place of Awesome. Also known as Sarah’s dream.
…W-What is this?
This is known as a giant orange ball in Vienna.
For its 389 citizens, this is also known as the Republic of Kugelmugel.
History of Kugelmugel:
Kugelmugel officially declared its independence from Austria in 1984, after a certain guy named Edwin Lipburger (why doesn’t the founder of our country have such a cool name?) wasn’t allowed to build the said giant orange ball pictured above. Fortunately for the world, Lipburger did not give up, and said, well then, I’ll just make my own country. So, the next time your mother tells you to not have a mud ball fight in your backyard, you know what to do.
The official address of this place is “2, Antifaschismusplatz”, which means 2, Anti-Fascism Square. We think that this name is rather overdoing it, though.
Since the guy has his own country now, he stopped paying taxes to the Austrian government and decided to print his own stamps.
The Austrian government decided to throw Lipburger in jail, following the footsteps of our glorious ancestors: When in doubt, throw in jail.
Which just proves that goverments have no sense of humor.
HOWEVER, the Austrian president went, “meh”, and saved Eddie from spending the rest of his life in jail.
Thank you, Austrian president. You’re officially on our awesome list for being a hero of Kugelmugel.
Since then, Kugelmugel has become a popular tourist destination in Vienna due to its…unique architecture (no shit).
Pictured: Edwin Lipburger
Reasons Why We Want to Live There:
- The place is named Kugelmugel. What more do you want?
- Unique architecture. Orange ball? Hell yes.
- When we get asked “Where do you come from?” we can proudly answer “Kugelmugel” and snicker at everyone else’s ignorance.
- It is conveniently located in Vienna, where the nearest café that sells heavenly cakes is probably less than ten minutes away. Cake is very important to us.
- If you don’t believe us, you can check out the Wikipedia page here:
and check out the official website of Kugelmugel here:
Warning: You might want to learn German first before you click on this link. Happy learning.
So you know…
Celestia, Conch Republic, Forvik and Vikesland,
Westarctica, Kugelmugel, Elleore and Wendland
But can you recall
The most famous micronation of all?
(dun dun dun)
Sealand the island micronation (nation)
Has a very boring name~
But if you look at it closely (closely)
You can see that it’s not lame~
I apologize for the above song.
What’s a post about micronations without the most famous micronation of them all? Meet SEALAND, otherwise known as the best known micronation..
Pictured: Principality of Sealand.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re all staring at your computer screens, sputtering. Certainly a hastily drawn anime kid with big eyebrows could not possibly be a micronation… can it?
You’re right. It’s not. It’s an anthropomorphic representation of Sealand in the popular anime webcomic that personifies different countries and show their interactions called HETALIA. Yes. This micronation is so badass it has some Japanese anime artist including him in his series (which does not even have a Mexico yet, by the way, because THAT’S how pwnsome Sealand is.)
Pictured: Sealand. For real this time.
Sealand started out as a sea fort in 1942 during World War II, built to defend ships from German aircrafts (we like to imagine it protects ships by transforming into some sort of Optimus Prime and punches out planes King-Kong style, but that’s probably wishful thinking). 1956 was the last time naval personnel worked on Sealand.
HOWEVER, on the 2 September 1967, Major Paddy Roy Bates found Sealand and thought it would be an awesome place to set up his pirate radio station. So he did. He went his merry way until in 1968, a bunch of people from the British Royal Navy came to check up on the then unnamed platform.
Now that was just wrong. Just as you wouldn’t want your neighbours’ royal navy crapping on your lawn, or even to try to fix that one broken window, Michael Bates (son of Paddy Roy Bates), grabbed his rifle. Just as you would fire warning shots at your neighbours’ navy crapping on your lawn, so did he.
Now his neighbour (Britain) was not very happy about that turn of events. So they went to court. The court judged because Sealand was not technically in British waters, the case had to be dropped. In 1975, Sealand officially has a flag, constitution, currency and passports. Did I mention that their currency is incredibly sexy?
Pictured: Sexy coins. Oh yeah baby. Come here.
So Sealand can live in peace now, right? NO. In 1978, some German and Dutch dudes (probably drunk) decided to invade Sealand and hold the prince captive. Bates was not so happy about this, and retook his fort by the way of a helicopter assault. He then kept the invaders as ‘prisoners of war’. Alexander Achenbach, the leader of the invasion, actually held a Sealandic passport so he was charged with ‘treason’ and would not be released unless he paid about 64 000 of those sexy Sealandic coins. Netherlands and German governments petitioned to the United Kingdom for his return, but the UK simply pointed at the 1968 court dropping of the case while sipping on tea and munched on another crumpet. He was only released when a German ambassador went to Sealand to negotiate with Bates.
Usually a person would let Achenbach go quickly once politics are involved. Not Bates. After weeks of negotiation, Achenbach was set free and Bates claimed the Ambassador’s visit constituted as recognition of Sealand’s legitimacy. And Achenbach? Well, once he went back to Germany, he set up a ‘government in exile’, and claims that he is the legitimate ruler of Sealand. Like Taiwan, really.
Since then, Sealand has caught fire, and purchased by the Swedish company ‘The Pirate Bay’. They are currently offering royalty titles for about 8 euros via internet.
Why we want to live there
- They have nicer looking money. JUST SCHEXY.
- It will never get attacked by zombies.
- You can be a duchess or earl there. Now where else in the world can you get that? WE CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
- It’s a military sea base, damnit! I KNOW there’s a button that transforms it into Optimus Prime in there somewhere…!
Sealand Official site (why yes, they have facebook now!)