Review: Zombieland

Yes, this movie came out a LONG time ago. And yes, I watched it. A LONG time ago, so this review is useless.

But I needed to write something so here I am.

Verdict: BETTER THAN NEW MOON.

Not that I read or watched New Moon. But you can bet your ass that it’s better.

I like Zombieland. It was funny. It was cool. It serves its purpose as a brainless escape fiction comedy.

Characters — Not much there. I like how they’re all relatively dumb. Most of their problems (cept the zombie apocalypse, of course) were self inflicted, resulting in hilarity. In essence they’re all young (yes even Tallahassee), so this kind of thing happen. Bill Murray pfffft. Columbus was far from perfect, which was… awesome . Great break from the sparkly powder puff that is Edward Cullen. Only one I didn’t like in this movie was Wichita.  Sure she was necessary to keep the plot going, but you just get the feeling that she’s in the script so the girly girls that gets dragged by their boyfriends to see this movie wont be all “EWWWWW” all the time.

Little Rock was badass  >D. I wish I was that cool when I was nine.

Plot — Pretty normal for a zombie apocalypse movie. All Tallahassee wanted was a twinkie… (which was a pun, oh god XD)

Cinematography — Average.

 

GO WATCH IT. ITS HILARIOUS.

Omegle is PHUN.

www.omegle.com

If you guys are a little behind the times, Omegle is a site that will allow you to chat with random strangers. They dont know your name or address or anything. You can pretend to be a pirate from somalia if you want on that site. My favourite? Going as what I am and spamming people looking to cyber.

So, here are some of the funnier responses.

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: HAI

Stranger: are you a female?

You: No… but I could be.

Stranger: Well I’m male so I wish to speak to

You: are u horny or just desperate?

Stranger: horny

You: Go to encyclopediadramatica.com. search up buttsex.

You: you’re welcome.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

I do believe I have just introduced some poor fourteen year old to porn.

 

Oh, the next one is GOOD.

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: HAI

Stranger: f or m?

You: f

Stranger: a?

You: 98.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

XD

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi, im a 19 year old male looking for a girl with a cam. If you’re not plz disconnect.

You: DAD?!

You: DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

You: DAD YOU”RE SCARING ME

You: I’M TELLING MOMMY

Stranger is typing…

 

He was typing for quite a while so I just disconnected. I DO NOT want to see what he typed.

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: male, 21. Do you want to have a good time?

You: transvestite, 78. Do YOU want to have a good time?

Stranger: a seventy eight year old transvestite huh…

 

At this point I got scared, so I disconnected.

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: r u a hot gurl wit a cam? I’m looking for 1.

You: DUDE

You: I”M LOOKING FOR A HOT GIRL WITH CAM TOO

You: WE CAN BE BROS

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

Connecting to server…

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi1

Stranger: are you a girl

You: yea

Stranger: Are you horny

You:… I DO have a horn growing on my head…

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

From there I was beginning to suspect that all the pervs I’ve been talking to were the same people, because come ON, I think I’ve got about sixteen of them in a row…

 

I will add more once I accumulate more.

 

– Annie

That fair little town we call Stratford.

So, in celebration of Canada’s Britishness, I present to you Stratford. Sounds familiar? It should. Because the oh-so-great Shakespeare was born in Stratford. The one in England, I mean.

The best thing I saw there by far was this, though.

…Forgive me for asking, but…WHY IS THERE A DOOR THERE?!

No, seriously. WHY? Just think about it. You open the door, you step out into the brilliant sunshine and–

*Splat*.

Okay. I leave you to stare at this hilarious failure and ponder at the infrastructure of our magnificent country.

–Sarah, who is way too lazy to write anything more substantial

Let’s Go Look For Ninjas! (English Death Anxiety Research)

This is written as a joke, not to poke fun at other cultures. Honestly, I think these are fascinating. Loosen up, geez.

One of my topics for English class is death anxiety.

So I googled death… and stuff. The topic for last English class was the reality of our existence and this time it’s death. Seriously, I’m starting to doubt whether I am in English class or Philosophy class, or a class that makes you go emo.

So apart from the fifty thousand pages of angsty emo poetry claiming that their parents suck, their girlfriend dumped them, they’re going to die a virgin, spiraling deeper and deeper in an all consuming black hole of fiery inferno, I found this.

http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2008/06/25/10-extraordinary-burial-ceremonies-from-around-the-world/

Call me sadistic, but I laughed.

Okay okay. Air burial, the ones that the Mongols did. I seriously wonder how does it feel to know your family dog just ate the dead remains of your dead brother? If that doesn’t creep you out, how about the dog shitting out a piece of clearly recognizable piece of your brother? Like a finger?

Tibet. Body crushers. Owo. Sounds like a fun job. Staring at the face of that girl you had a crush on but couldn’t tell her because you were married (or whatever) while holding a friggin hammer over her head about to smash down on that pretty face of hers forever…

Pacific Northwest Haida –

The body was crushed with clubs until it fit into a small wooden box about the size of a piece of modern luggage. It was then fitted atop a totem pole in front of the longhouse of the man’s tribe where the various icons of the totem acted as guardians for the spirits’ journey to the next world.

How does that NOT smell?

Vikings – Okay, Vikings are awesome, we can agree on that. But admit it, their burial seems pretty fucking lame compared to the regular stuff they do (you know, pillaging, being drunk, pulling people into fire, raping slaves and cows).

If the deceased was a nobleman or great warrior, his woman was passed from man to man in his tribe, who all made love to her (some would say raped) before strangling her, and placing her next to the body of her man.

… NOW THATS SOME HARDCORE SHIT, RIGHT THAR.

That sounds a bit Egyptian.

Thankfully this practice is now, for the most part, extinct.

… WHAT.

…

WHERE CAN I FIND THESE PEOPLE ?

(No, seriously. Where do you find … Vikings of all things in this age? That’s like asking where does one find ninjas…)

>.>

well since China still has the ShaoLin…

<.< … japan might still have some ninjas.

*shot*

FUCK VIKINGS LETS GO LOOK FOR NINJAS

Bali – Fire burial. Now THAT’S cool.

Although I wouldn’t want to be the person digging up half decomposed bodies so they can burn it.

Southeast Asia – actually that happens … in northern asia too… I’ve seen my grandparents do that kind of stuff, its kind of creepy…

‘we’re sending money to your grandma in heaven! ’

“… by… burning it.”

They burn food, too. And you know how us Chinese people prioritize food over anything.

The Masaais are cool. Although it cant be hygienic.

Kiribati – YOU KEEP THE SKULL BLAUEFLIFUEHG.

So what, do you pluck out the eyeballs then cut off the cartridge from the nose, then remove the brains through the nose like those Egyptians?

Sea burial. Makes sense enough, but…

In olden days, the British navy mandated that the final stitch in the bag had to go through the deceased person’s lip, just to make sure they really were dead. (If they were still alive, having a needle passed through their skin would revive them).

Now I really wonder how many times a poor sap woke up from a coma with a needle poking through their lip, shrouded in a burlap sack with rocks.

Okay world, don’t you think shooting yourself off into space is going too far? I mean, do you REALLY want some poor astronaut to stumble upon your radiation bloated remains?

… Dont answer that.

Uhm… if I die…

…

Do whatever you want with my body.

– Annie (brb packing her bag to go to Japan and look for Ninjas)