Fernando Torres. Gender: Male???

07/01/2010

I feel that this hilarious rugby ad is an appropriate opener for today’s topic.

Is football a girl’s sport? Certainly not.

But it just may be true in the case of our pretty Fernando Torres.

As I mentioned before, we’ve always thought that Fernando was just so pretty.

Now, I know I call a lot of these football guys pretty, but there’s a difference between being pretty in a man sort of way and being pretty in a woman sort of way.

He is very pretty (eyelashes. EYELASHES.), but you can still clearly tell that he's a man.

…Whereas the same really can’t be said about our dear Torres. Sometimes he looks so gender-neutral that I swear I want to beat him up for not being born a girl.

If he were born a woman he’d be so gorgeous that I might start to question my own sexual orientation.

So after a bit of digging around (Read: going on Kickette), I easily found tons of evidence to show you how Torres scares me with his insane femininity.

(By the way, Kickette is one freaky website. It’s like, the mother of all stalkery. They have 1000000000 pictures of footballers from EVERYWHERE. With lewd comments from females worldwide. Seriously, it creeps me out how intensive that website is. Where and how on earth did they get that much stuff?)

But without further ado, we present to you Ms. Fernando Torres:

THAT EXPRESSION. Must. Resist. Raping. Urges. Not. Resisting. Well.

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. That face. Tell me you aren’t swooning inside right now.

That waist. That butt. THOSE CURVES.

Holy Jesus’ Mother. Just look at the way his waist curves in and his butt sticks out. How many GIRLS do you know with a figure like that? I swear to god I have never seen a guy’s butt stick out like that. I have only seen that amount of curves on a handful girls. Ever.

Please go do a hair commercial. NOW.

WOW. That is some fluffy hair. Hair commercial. HAIR COMMERCIAL.

…Oh, wait, he has already done a hair commercial.

Ho shit what is this I…

Yeah. I really don’t know what to make of this. Except oh god so creepy it’s going to give me nightmares.

Okay, moving on. Plenty more to show.

That pout is simply incredible. Incredible, I tell you.

…Have you seen a girl stick out her lips with half as much effectiveness as he does here?

His "Bitch" expression.

Oh lord. Do I smell a catfight coming?

Super Pout #2.

Okay, I probably would not want to be her his parents.

...And he always has this tendency to lie on the ground and look like he's just been raped.

...See?

......see?!

SEE?!?!?!?! and THAT BUTT!!!!!!! O____O

Doesn’t that look delicious? Again, THAT BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, how can that figure not belong to a girl?!?!?!?!

And I don’t need to mention how in the Spain vs. Chile game, Fernando basically fell over himself and then sat on his butt looking all innocent and raped for the next half an hour.

Sorry for showing this video repeatedly.

Watch me sail through the air gracefully like a ballerina!

…And then he’ll sit there and look raped yet inviting. Again.

No wonder he’s the #1 distraction on the Spanish team.

Lipstick?!?!?! O_O'''

And no wonder these girls over at the scary Kickette included him in their “Finest Five” list.

Although what are you thinking calling him “hot” and “sexy” are you all lesbians?

No offense to actual lesbians you go girls

See? People just can't keep their hands off him.

…Although I have to say that after he got a haircut (FINALLY) he looks decidedly manlier:

Okay I take that back.

Okay, what was I thinking? Did I really say that he looks manlier now? I TAKE IT BACK. He’s too pretty to EVER look manly. Sorry. But that’s the truth.

By the way, can you imagine Torres old? Holy Mother of Lord.

Remember how I mentioned in a post that Fernando Torres’ favorite TV shows are The Dog Whisperer and Super Nanny?

Well, I guess I finally see why this is so:

Torres the Super Nanny strikes again.

When I first saw this picture, I swear I died inside. I don’t even know what to say.

Okay, yes, it’s so sweet and adorable that he loves his kid so (Can you believe he’s a FATHER?) and is willing to do the dirty work in taking care of a baby (In fact the folks at Kickette insists that seeing their “Nando” like this explodes their ovaries like nothing else), but seriously, look at that figure. And look at how the sun accentuates his golden tresses.

It’s just not fair.

If only I were a quarter as pretty as he is, I wouldn’t be so perpetually single.

Now I wonder, how would Fernando look like with facial hair?

Dear god. I don’t know. And it looks like Fernando growing facial hair is never going to happen, either.

Look, he even has such a pretty hand!

Just imagine that face with long, blonde hair and makeup. He'll look so pretty you'd probably choke. Or get diabetes. Or both.

No wonder he has attracted comparison with that Sacha Baron Cohen character Brüno:

Wow.

It so figures.

This comparison makes a certain amount of ironic sense, if you ask me.

And this comparison to an alpaca is just plain funny:

Haahahaha! The resemblance is uncanny!

Alright. So in conclusion, Fernando Torres really is the girliest footballer I have ever seen. He would make a gorgeous, gorgeous woman.

I apologize for bombarding you with pictures from Kickette.

I will never, ever go and get pictures from Kickette like a massive stalker again.

But, you know. I just couldn’t help myself with Torres. I mean, just look at him: =w=;;;

See? =w=;;

5 Responses to “Fernando Torres. Gender: Male???”

  1. […] just a game. Sure I may feel like choking Torres every now and then, but that’s only because his face demands it. The number of BAWW’ing Portugal supporters are phenomenal. Can’t you be happy for […]

  2. steph said

    fernando is soo Hot!(: Stop trippinn dudeee, he’s probably way better lookingg than you.obviesly he’s a male, your probably just gay.seems like all you doo is check him out.

    • xnoxcluex said

      I’m not the writer of this post (but I am the other writer of this blog), but I just had to comment (btw we’re girls, so that should clear some things up like why we’re ogling at him. XD)

      Fernando Torres is so much prettier than us >..<.

      (And this post is a joke. We know he's a guy. He's just a very pretty looking guy, is all :) )

    • xnoxcluex said

      Writer here. Okay, first of all, you don’t have to be spiteful. You think he’s hot and I respect that. But I think he’s girly-looking and I’m just mocking him a bit in a good-natured way. Even if you don’t think it’s funny you don’t have to call me “gay”.
      And I assure you that I do not spend all my time to “check him out”.
      Thank you for reading the post. I guess.

  3. […] this search term. I love the searcher. Dear searcher, I would like to contact you and discuss the ambiguous gender issue of Fernando Torres […]

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