I don’t know why I like propaganda posters. Maybe it’s because I study arts. Maybe it’s because I grew up with them. I think the real reason is because they’re just TOO DAMN FUNNY.
I will present my top 22 favourite propaganda posters in this post.
Country: North Korean
Time Period: Korean War
The Message: Keep clean! It’s important! (something along those lines)
What people see: I have no idea, but from what I can deduce from this picture… a giant creepy nurse will stick a syringe needle into your scrotum and herds of sheep and cow will randomly attack you.
Country: Former USSR
Time Period: 1920 ish
Message: The USSR is looking towards a fabulous bright future of production!
What people see: The USSR is simply faaaaaaaaaaabulous!
Time period: 1920s
Message: Vote for Hitler.
What people see: This is totally the best way to promote your political candidate, seeing as it worked. I know what I’m doing for the student elections next year… Vote for the disembodied head with the funny mustache floating in a black void.
Time Period: Either WW1 or 2…can’t remember, sorry.
Message: Keep making artillery!
What people see: Wait… I know theres a relevant penis pun in there somewhere…
Time period: WW1
Message: Plant victory gardens to support our troops!
What people sees: Plant victory gardens, then fuck the vegetables to make human-veggie babies!
Time period: sometime during the 1970s.
Message: China and Taiwan are sisters and sisters should get along.
What people sees: …. boobies, boobies, boobiessssssssssss…
Time period: WW2
Message: We will fight alongside the United Kingdom!
What people see: Oh wow Canada. Seriously? Sorry, but you can’t make a beaver look badass no matter how hard you tried. Sorry.
Time Period: Not sure
Message: Under sexy chairman Mao’s awesome leadership, all women will soon have access to luxury items like silk and makeup.
What people see: Under sexy chairman Mao’s awesome leadership, all prostitutes will soon have access to knock off luxury items like polyester and face paint.
Time Period: Unsure
Message: A united China of all cultures and expressions!
What people see: In the future, all children will have the same face.
Country: Canada. Obviously
Time Period: WW1
Message: CANADA WILL WIN THE WAR.
What people see: What’s a Canada? Did the UK change their name or something? And why is that guy looks like he has explosive diarrhea?
Time period: ww2
Message: the 3 requirements of being a Italian SS soldier. Honour, loyalty, and courage.
What people see: … I’m going by the assumption that the Italians didn’t know that the said hand gesture’s original meaning was “fuck you, you loser.”
Time period: probably not recent
Message: Chairman Mao loves children!
What people sees: Chairman Mao loves children.
Country: Former USSR
Time period: 1950′s ish
Message: All the children of the world will die and somehow it is the USA’s fault.
What people sees: “Stop downloading children illegally off the internet!”
AND WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT NAKED DOLL?
Time period: ww1
Message: Buy Victory Bonds, the soldier dressed in traditional Scottish clothing did his part in the war and so should you.
What people see: Buy Victory Bonds, or else the guy in a skirt will come and rape you.
Time Period: 1980′s
Message: China is aiming for space! The next generation will be able to travel on rockets to the moon!
What people see: uhm… okay… five kids crammed on a tranquilizer dart, going over a rainbow, in space but still in a cloud, and theres that lady on the moon in that folktale and her … well it was supposed to be a rabbit… and uh…. Fuck this — just — what?
Do LSD if you want to see this scenes like this!
Time Period: Assuming it’s around the 1980s.
Message: Carry the sexy Chairman Mao’s philosophy everywhere you go!
What people see: Always carry a giant photo of an balding old man and hang it immediately upon entering your new dwelling. There he may rest on the wall for as long as you live, leering at your family…
Country: Former USSR
Time Period: When cars became available there. So…I guess at around… last year?
Message: The USSR is so awesome it’s making cars. If you work for the motherland you will be able to buy one!
What people see: Buy a car — It’s a new way to rape children.
Country: Norway (surprise!)
Time period: I’m guessing it’s made by the Nazi control in WW2, with the whole Aryan thing.
Message: All Aryan people face a bright future as the master race, while the communists rot.
What people see: In the future, USSR will experience no change, but Norway will finally have money to buy enough sand for a beach. It will then declare itself a nudist country, outlaw clothes, and everyone will take enough drugs to believe the sun has the Danish flag on it.
(I’m serious about buying sand for a beach part. Iceland did it, so it’s only a matter of time before Norway does it. We’re onto you, Norway.)
Message: Protect your potatoes from the evil potato destroying insects!
What people sees: … yeah.
Country: Nazi occupied Netherlands
Message: If the Americans liberate you, this is what they’re bringing — filth.
What people sees: America will bring a giant robot made of toy parts? Fuck man, America is AWESOME! BRING ON THE AMERICANS!
Time period: Unsure
Message: … I have no fucking idea.
What people sees: This fat fuck of an eagle will first eat that little white dove, then fly out to eat your children. While singing nursery rhymes.
EDIT: One more. I found this just today.
It’s STEROIDS PLASTIC MAN.
Oh. One example from World War One.
Translated, the poster says: “Come north with us!” — Norwegian Ski Ranger Battalion.
They had a battalion. On skis. In the snow. With skis.
Be still, my heart.
In my previous post, I lamented on how very socialist and absurd the place 鞍山 was. It seemed as if the universe wanted to emphasis my point today in the elevator. So I was in the elevator in the library, taking a break from research on Sigmund Freud (always a pleasant topic </sarcasm>) to get some food, when this old Chinese guy decided to chat.
Him: [in Chinese] Are you a student?
Me: [distracted by hunger] eh?
Him: [English] Are you a student?
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Him: Speak Chinese or Korean? [I have Korean eyes, courtesy of my Korean granddaddy. Thanks grandpa.]
Me: Chinese. [the rest of the conversation was in Chinese]
Him: Where are you from?
Me: North Eastern China. [So much easier to say this, because people actually knows where it is]
Him: Harbin? [哈尔滨 aka the only city in ALL of the head and neck of the supposed chicken that makes up the shape of China that has any significance. Beijing 北京 doesn't count, and Dalian 大连 is just a vacation spot. Albeit the only vacation spot with a clean beach in China...]
Me: [Damnit! Now I have to tell him where I come from!] Eh… Liaoning 辽宁 Province.
Him: Hm? Which city? You have an accent.
Me: [Apparently I have an Anshan accent. That was what some Shanghai taxi driver told me, anyway. See, thats how isolated Anshan is. It has its own accent.] Anshan. Him: …?
Me:… it’s about a mile south of Shenyang 沈阳…
Him: OH! That place where Angang (鞍钢) is from, right? I heard it’s cold there!
Okay, time out. That. Is ALL Anshan is known and existing for. Angang is a steel production company that basically make all of China’s steel. That is Anshan’s life’s blood. It’s whole economy revolves around steel and mining. Think about it — why else would there be a city in the middle of some mountain ridges where transportation is a bitch, horseback riding is still the main mode of transportation, and is just plain cold with little snow in the winter so you can’t even add winter sports to the attractions list? Steel production for weaponery ftw!
So the conversation continued to what my parents did (both engineers for Angang. Which in Chinese terms meant they walked around and fixed machinery, occasionally doing some shit on computers. See?Anyone with a brain living in Anshan is working for Angang.), where can he get contact with someone from Angang (as if I know…), where my parents are now (none of your business, too complicated to explain anyway). Why, aren’t we nosy… Then he asked for my last name.
Damnit. I was tempted to tell him my last name was Wong and be done with it, but I could never say ‘Wong’ with a straight face (it’s funny for various reasons). My last name, like Anshan, is absurd. It’s Chinese for cypress tree, a word pronounced one way in the north, another in the south, and don’t get me started on the Cantonese. Both of them share the same pronunciations with millions of other commonly used Chinese words. I could’ve told him my mom’s last name, but it’s even more absurd, for it is Korean. Hell, it’s even absurd in Korea.
*facepalmplz* ( I looked both names up. China, being so pretentiously communist, made a list of all the last names in China. My first last name was around 35 (right before “水” and after “谢”. I didn’t know those two could be last names XD. My mom’s maiden name is… dun dun dun 132th. After 蓝, before 席 (wtf 蓝 is a last name!?). Now I wanna find out my grandma’s last name. I bet it’s super absurd (being cultural minority and all). Since all Chinese last names are like “Chen” “Zhang” or “Liu” or “Zhao”… I can probably name about 20 off the top of my head, then I’d be out of ideas.
Took him fifteen minutes to get my last name right. By which time I was starving and really wanted to leave but couldn’t for politeness reasons.
So there. Anshan is like the city equivalent of … Colorado (where?)… with steel and no tourism. Known only for one thing. Anshan: Steel. Colorado: South Park.
Sometimes this is frustrating. And I can’t lie about it because of the accent.
… I’m still hungry.
Part 1 – Anshan. Downtown, Suburbs and the Schools.
I remember reading an article about a history major visiting Beijing for the Olympics shocked at the lack of communism. He was expecting rallies, propaganda posters, marching liberation army soldiers and figures of Mao everywhere. Instead, he found a McDonalds and Starbucks at practically every corner, and people rocking out to Avril Lavgine. And he asked ‘where the hell is the communism?’
Well I’ll tell you where it is. Take a plane to Seoul, South Korea. Now transfer planes to Shenyang, China. Shenyang is the capital of the Liaoning province of China, a province that borders the Jilin province, North Korea, and Inner Mongolia. It is a very absurd place. Even if you live in a place full of Asians (say, Vancouver), chances of meeting someone from this area is very, very slim.
My point is: most of the Asians you know comes from the more developed and economy happy coastal China. Where we’re headed is North Eastern China, cradle of all the bad shit that happened to China since the 1900′s. Actually, that applies to before 1900′s as well.
Then, once you get to Shenyang, you’ll still not find much communism. Sure, there is more than Beijing, but there is still McDonalds at practically every corner of downtown. In fact, Shenyang is not known for much except for the mini (miniminimini. It’s TINY) Tiananmen that used to house the royal family for what, maybe 20 years before they invaded Beijing (ha). So what do you do? You find a coach to take you to Anshan.
The journey on the coach will take about three hours. In the three hours, you will be assaulted with sweat, gasoline, bumpy roads, and cigarette smoke. If there is a kid on board, he will throw up. If you’re extra unlucky, you’ll be stuck to some country bumpkins who has poor hygiene and no sense of the concept of ‘too loud’. Apart from them, everyone seems to be normal. Yelling into their cellphones aside.
Or you can try and save yourself the misery and take the train. Chances are the train is packed and you wont find any seats anyway. And since it’s going to Anshan, the trains are really low quality. So if you’re someone who never stepped outside of the west and vacation spots, prepare to be very very uncomfortable.
So after you arrive at Anshan, but still don’t spot any communism. That’s only because you’re still in downtown, douchebag. I will now inform you that in all of Anshan, there is only one McDonalds, one KFC, and NO STARBUCKS, WALMART, OR IKEA.
NO STARBUCKS? IS IT POSSIBLE?
So you walk around downtown for a bit. The malls are fun. Plastered with Chinglish, sure. Once in a while you might catch a glimpse of Old Navy. Then you realise that it’s a knock off brand named Ancient Army or something like that.
You see no difference from the Asians here than back in your western world, except that the girls here are somehow prettier. And a lot quieter. That’s because they are. Keep an eye on your wallet.
The stationary shops sell a lot of those frilly pink things with Mickey Mouse heads that your Asian colleague seem so very fond of. Keep walking and you will see a slew of Kareoke bars and Mongolian grills. Get yourself a kabob. They’re good. They’re obscenely good. In fact, my keyboard is drowning in my drool just thinking about them.
If it’s in the winter, brave the cold and the unshovelled (and unsalted. Hahahaha you-loser-who-didn’t-bring-boots.) sidewalks and get yourself one of those iced candy haw berry kabobs. We Asians call it Tang Hulu. It’s delicious. Totally worth chipping off a tooth for. Or seven.
Now, you hail down a taxi, and tell them you want to get to Chen Gwang Elementary School. Otherwise known as the only elementary school for several miles in the Lishan District.
And no, there are no seatbelts in the taxi. You should get used to this.
While in the taxi you look outside. If you’re lucky, the taxi driver will take you to the school with the shortest possible route. If you’re not, he’ll make several trips around the city just to make the meter run higher. Take a good look at the buildings. You can tell which buildings are new. The new ones have a shinier colour.
The oldest buildings have three floors and is made of cement. The newest has six, and are normally painted a weird colour such as pink or beige. A pointless decision, because Anshan is also the cradle of steel production in China. Which means the pollution is baaaaad.
As you drive away from downtown and the crumbling grey buildings (30 years old, Max.), you’ll notice some grey but not so grey buildings. Congratulations, you’re in the suburbs.
Yes. In Anshan, there are no such things as ‘houses’. Only state sanctioned apartments. The state looks at how much you’re contributing, and gives you a house according to your value. 15 years ago, those apartments were HIGHCLASS.
(I am completely serious.)
Now these suburbs are only 15 years old. Seriously. I lived in the 9th district as a child, and can tell you the shiny, beautiful, pink utopia that is now this crumbly place with cages on every window, graffiti on every wall and dog crap in the gardens (don’t get me started on the vomit stains). This place used to be super clean, the buildings sparkly pink, and bright, big pink flowers in the community gardens as well as pea trees and people herding little chicks for the children to play with. Many people used to gather in these gardens on warm summer nights to socialise. The old people doing Tai-Chi, young people playing tag or skipping or Chinese version of rubber band skipping and feathered hacky sack. There used to be a giant garage where people kept their motorcycles. Nobody had cars, everyone took the bus or taxi.
There used to be a kindergarten somewhere to the west of this place, next to a beautiful park square (that was built by political prisoners. Again, I’m serious. I went to that kindergarten. I saw those people build the park.). Next to the park there was a playground full of exercise equipment (I am NOT joking. It’s still there, although I’m not too sure about the square…). The kindergarten was… very nice. Way better than many of those day cares that you have, America.
In other words, this place used to be a freaking heaven for young couples with kids.
And then everything went to hell because the poor people invaded nobody bothered to maintain this pretty shiny utopia. Goddamnit. They closed the kindergarten because nobody was having children anymore. The after effects of baby boomers wore off. I think the kindergarten building is now some sort of administration for something.
Personally, I blame the rap music.
By now you should have gotten to the hellhole that was elementary school. First thing you’ll notice about the school, is that it does not look like a school in any aspects. It’s five stories tall. Made of concrete. It’s pathetic excuse for a yard is covered with dirt. Hell, it looks more like a government building to interrogate political prisoners in. If it wasn’t for the motel-eque sign on the building saying it’s a school, you probably won’t see the difference.
Now get off the taxi and look around. But you have to look around with a critical eye. Some easier to spot things includes some fading communist propaganda sprayed onto the walls, some peeling posters concerning China’s greatness, and some PLA police walking aimlessly around. They don’t do much. Most people are dressed less ridiculously than celebrities, and people will most likely stare at you for being white. Or brown. Or whatever colour you are. If you understand Chinese, you’ll probably hear something along the lines of “Hey! A white/black/brown/red/blue person!”
If you pass by a school, you’ll most likely see some of the more prominent propaganda posters. If you arrive at around 8 am, you might see a lot of students saluting to the Chinese flag in freakish unison. If you arrive at 10 am, you might see a lot of the students doing their morning exercises, again in freakish military unison. If you arrive at three pm, you might see a lot of street vendors selling various things to the students being let out of school. If you happen to arrive on a holiday, you’ll have the honour of watching a student rally. For some reason, they are all wearing a red scarf.
If you do stay and watch the rally, it’s scary. The students, from as little as grade one, are being trained military style. They are in freakish unison and disciplined. If you’re lucky, you can find a teacher beating the living crap out of a little six year old because he passed out from thirst. Funnily enough, none of the older students are being beaten up. Why? Because the older students knows it’s abuse, and they know their rights to rat out on that teacher.
So you enter the school. Architecturally, it’s hopelessly utilitarian. Soviet cookie cutter? This is Anshan of Northern China, if the building wasn’t built by the glorious and sexy leader that is Mao, it was then probably built by the Soviets, which then the Japanese bombed, and the People’s Liberation Army rebuilt. It reflects the idea of Communism and making everything ‘equal’. It reminds you of those housing… who am I kidding. It reminds you of prison. The halls are devoid of colour, no drawings or posters are hung up. There are bars on the windows. And the washroom – don’t even step foot in there. Actually, don’t come within five metres of it. The stench will knock you out.
(I myself had opted to pee my pants instead of going there. Really.)
Hell, there are even bars on the staircases. The fifth floor is out of bounds. English class starts at third grade. Computer class starts at the second. Arts class consists of imitating whatever it is the teacher is drawing. Music class is all about learning how to sing the national anthem. I believe that itself is a whole semester.
What amuses you the most are the students standing at the doors, reminding you very much of those British royal guards that stand outside the Westminster abbey. You know, fur hats, rifle, rock solid face. You approach the door, and they will tell you that no, parents are not allowed to enter the school. And you will ignore them. Because hey, what the hell can they do?
GEE, I WONDER WHY PARENTS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN SCHOOL?
(My parents didn’t care for this rule.)
So you take a look in the classrooms. The kids stare at you because they’ve never seen a whitey/blackey/brownie/reddie/bluey before. The teachers stare at you because they don’t know a single word of English past ‘HALLO HOW AH YOO?” The kids are seated neatly in rows with wooden desks (even grade ones), arms folded on their desks. The taller kids sit at the back, shorter kids at the front. Everyone is wearing a stupid bright aquamarine uniform (red and yellow if it’s winter, beige and navy if it’s summer.) that is nowhere near as stylish as the Japanese ones. Their backpacks hangs off the back of their chairs, their desks crammed with textbooks, even grade ones. The classroom looks more like an lecture hall than anything.
By the way, there are 60 people in one class. Four classes in one grade. You do the math.
So you leave and peer into the classroom next door. You are greeted by an explosion of noise. Seems like the teacher had left, and the little grade ones are throwing a party. That is right. Cramming 60 six year olds into a classroom and leaving them makes perfect sense to the state appointed teacher.
But the kids seemed to be doing things alright on their own. So you leave this prison to clear your head. Go back downtown and find yourself a nice hotel. The hotels downtown are nice.
You hail down a taxi and realize, damn, you forgot that there were no seat belts. So you grip onto the door as the driver drives you maniacally downtown, while you scream for dear life.
There you go, Mr. Road Junky. There’s your communism. This is nothing compared to what Hai Cheng (rural part of Anshan) has to offer.
(Holy hell, how did this get so long?)
Tune in next time to read about HaiCheng, the rural and completely batshit insane part of Anshan!
Maybe I might even do a history blurb on this. Probably not. Maybe on Haicheng.
- Annie (man I hate that school.)
Completely unrelated to the rest of this: I finished. The Video I mean, script from this post.
Yes. I have blasphemed art to ridiculous levels.
You know whats scary? I could probably do worse.
ANYWAY. What the bloody hell happened to Chinese media. When I was a kid, Chinese media was… well it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t horrible. It was mediocre. I know that the children’s cartoons sucked, but the music and movies were decent.
I’m not just saying this because I was a kid and stupid. I re-watch things a lot. Some of my favourite TV shows are nostalgia filled Chinese shows because of their epically symphonic music.
One good example out of Taiwan (but filmed in Beijing with nearly all non-Taiwan actors so it’s not really Taiwanese…) is this song:
Heres another one. Same show, second season opener.
Okay okay, ignore the overly dramatic acting. The plotline was pretty overly dramatic anyway. I think they even lampshaded it in the sequel, when one of the characters were like “why does this stuff always happen to us? ” Anyway. I think this show was one of the most popular shows EVAR in China because … I have no idea. As a stupid six year old kid, I had no idea what ‘soap opera’ or ‘drama’ meant. Or love, marriage, or sex, or family (or rather, I did, but did not get the concept). So I was one of the millions of Chinese elementary school kids that watched the show for the outfits, HAIR, and the easier to understand childish humor (people getting ran into trees, some impressive kung fu fights, I believe that one person gets knifed in the chest, when they try to pull it out, it friggin EXPLODES — and it gets better in the second season. The fighting, I mean. Plot…. well…. blame the playwright.)
ANYWAY. That song was made back in 1998 or something.
And music now? Well…
Okay. The first song I showed you was called ‘雨碟’, which translates to ‘Rain Butterfly’ or something to that effect. It’s a song about unconditional love, but told from a jumble of poetry about a butterfly, flying, rain, wind, and all the good stuff. Pretty good shit if you ask me. The lyrics has that certain poetry that can’t be replicated in any other language.
Maybe in Japanese. Maybe.
Comparable to, say, Apocalyptica or Nightwish. Okay maybe not, but cut it some slack. This was from China before the economic boom, as you can tell from the ghetto black and white music video (seriously) and the out of date fashion. The song has that nice rich element to it. The piano and the guitar, plus the nice intensity at the end. The drumming? Pretty hardcore for China.
Second video too, really nice intensity. Just hate her voice, but still. This song drags on for a bit, not as poetic, but the end has some nice drumming and intense beats.
And music now? You know, Jay Chou one?
First of all,
It’s just an empty song. Empty empty empty song that strongly resembles something… Zac Efron would sing.
Yeah I’ll just let the songs speak for itself.
And the TV shows now? All mindless teenage dramas, focusing on the title characters trying to win over the affections of some love interest, then getting a soap opera terminal disease, then gets MIRACULOUSLY cured by love, or… some other shit… and so much fake drama that you watch the show for comedy. Serious. One good example is 放过星星的羊 or 放过羊的星星, cant remember which (roughly translated to ‘The lamb that herded stars’ or ‘the star that herded sheep’). I think the show was meant to be dramatic. Meant to, anyway. I just couldn’t stop laughing when my friend made me watch it. It’s just too stupid.
“SHE HAD YOUR BABY.”
“ZOMG I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR NOT TELLING ME.”
“YOU HAVE TO PRETEND THAT YOUR NIECE IS HIS BABY SO HE’LL BELIEVE MY LIE OF THAT YOU HAD HIS BABY.”
“YOU TRIED TO KILL ME BY CRUSHING ME BY AN ELEVATOR.”
“GEEZ, CALM DOWN WOMAN. YOUR FAGGOT OF A BOYFRIEND SAVED YOU, DINNIT HE?”
(the only good part about the whole show was when her ‘faggot of a boyfriend’ was really gay. I knew it. No wonder he dresses so effeminately.)
If that is not proof that the human race is going backwards, I don’t know what is.
My mom (yes, my mom) sent me a chinese joke. I never get tired of political humour… XD
The Joke (In Mandarin):
世界是一个班级， 美国是班长 中国就是团支书 狂经典
1、美国 班长，学习好，家里有钱，人高马大，好打架,经常欺负别人。班里没几个人敢惹他。 和副班长关系不好。
10、巴基斯坦 职务无。成绩一般。和团支书关系不错，经常和印度吵架。 1
The Joke, translated:
The World is a classroom. United States is the Class president. China is the chairman.
1. United States, President. Good grades, upperclass. Most built in the class. Loves to fight, and bullies other students. Not alot of students stands up to him. His relationship with the Vice President is abysmal.
2. Russia, Vice President. Very high grades. Tallest in the class. Had a fight with the President last semester, but then things at home lead to his family being separated. Right now he’s rather quiet, but he has a certain influence.
3. China, Chairman. Genius in kindergarten, but got bullied a lot because of his small structure. Likes to brag when he’s bored. The Vice President protects him.
4. United Kingdom, Academics Representative. Good grades, rich upper class family. Class tag-along. Doesn’t really have opinions, listens to the President for everything. Beat up Iraq with the President a few days ago.
5. Switzerland, Visual Arts Representative. Prettiest girl in class. Good grades, high class. Extremely refined.
6. Austria, Music Representative.
7. Afganistan, regular student. Hates studying, scrawny. Got beaten up badly by the Vice President last semester, and the President helped to pay for his medical bills. A few days ago he broke two tallest pieces of furniture in the Presidents house. After being beaten up half to death by the President, he is suffering from amnesia.
8. Iraq, regular student. Horrible grades, but is tall and built. Fourth tallest out of the whole class last semester. Irrationally vocal, last semester he got ganged up on for bullying his desk buddy. The President and the Academics Representative stormed his house and beat the living crap out of him.
9. India, Information Technology representative. Loves to play on the computer. Has frequent squabbles with his desk buddy over desk space.
10. Pakistan, regular student. Average grades, good relations with the Chairman. Squabbles with India over desk space.
11. Germany, regular student. Participates actively in class and is serious about school. Very well built, he is good at scientific/math studies. He has a wild side. He was on the student council, but was kicked out when he started two riots. He is good at accepting full responsibility.
12. Japan, regular student. Good grades. Has some (very) questionable thoughts sometimes. Got beaten up by the Chairman and others last semester. Now he often reminesces about the aquarium in the Chairman’s house.
13. Vietnam, regular student. Has some questionable morals. Very frail. Got into a fight with the President last semester. Lucky for him he had the support of the Chairman and Vice President. Then he went to pick a fight with the Chairman, and got his ass handed to him.
14. North Korea, regular student. Isolationist. Good relations with the Chairman. The president and him has been butting heads recently, and the President announces he’s going to kick North Korea’s ass…
15. South Korea, regular student. Thoughts even more questionable than Japan’s. Likes to steal from the Chairman’s house, which he then shamelessly shows it off. Protected by the President.
I had to change a few things here and there for it to make sense. For example, 班长 does not translate into ‘President’, it translates into ‘battalion leader’. The Chinese classroom has an interesting system: there will be a ‘battalion leader’ who will be in charge when the teacher is away, and a ‘vice-batallion leader’ to help out the ‘battalion leader’ when he needs it. Then there’ll be representatives for every subject and they’ll be responsible for everything that happens in that class. There are also some stupid titles such as ‘hygenics representative’ and ‘lunch representative’… more often than not, the class is so big that they have to split them up into even smaller groups, resulting in ‘platoon leaders’ and ‘sub-platoon leaders’…
Yeah it’s really communist sounding, isn’t it?
The below article is written for entertainment purpose only. It is in no way politically correct or historically accurate and does not reflect the opinions of any of the staff here at No Fricken Clue.
China’s revolution lasted quite a while. After two wars with Japan (which they lost) and two more with Great Britain over drugs (which they lost again), Chinese people were pissed off at their emperor for being an idiot. Or maybe they were just pissed off at him for wearing such a silly hat that looked like a pie and fifty necklaces.
Pictured: Most womanly Emperor ever
So the Chinese people were pissed off, and was like “Fuck this shit man, China’s lagging behind the rest of the world. IT MUST BE OUR EMPEROR’S FAULT! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTIONNNNNNNNNN!”
So they started the revolution in 1919 against the Manchu royal family. Needless to say it was a mess, for China had always been ruled by emperors and the people did not know which new government to set up in place of the old one. In some places the Manchu rule was even reinstated briefly. Despite their emperor being a huge pansy, he was still less of a pansy than the rest of the country.
Then this guy came along.
Pictured: Mao Ze Dong (sexiest thing since sex)
He was an elementary school teacher. So kids, next time you have suspicions that your teacher is a little bit off, be very wary, he could be a communist that starts a cultural revolution that kills two to three million people.
Now Mao decided it was time to start his own party. Now, in the 1920s, Communism was the Ipod of the 1920’s. All the cool countries were doing it! The Russians were doing it, and the Yugoslavs were considering it, and Cubans… well… Anyway, the Communists seems to be having a lot of fun with their new government system. Look how much bigger they have gotten! That’s what she said.
Anyway, this sexy elementary school teacher’s mole thought communism was a really really good idea. So he started the 共产党.
Pinyin: Gong Chan Dang
Official translation: Communist Party of China
Literal translation: Shared/Equal Production Party
Translation closest to the meaning: Worker’s Union
What it means to the Chinese people: Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao.
To every person there is an opposite. Mao of course had an opposite. His name is the Anti-Mao.
He was the leader of the Nationalist Party of China. Also known as the Anti-Mao League.
Usually the revolution would have taken around five years. Then Japan decided to invade North-East China (also known as Manchuria). They did not want creeper Russia breathing down China’s neck, and they wanted to expand their territory. So they kidnapped the last so called ‘emperor’ Puyi, and set up a puppet government in Manchuria, where they proceeded to use it as a giant bio-lab.
Then WW2 broke out and then some complicated shit happened down in Pearl Harbor. There were involvements with Australians warning the US hours before the actual bombing and blah blah blah (you can go look in history textbooks yourself). Then a whole bunch of things happened with Germany and the funny guy with his crazy theory of relativity… In the end the US decided to crap two dookies on Japan. On Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
On hentai stores.
Pictured: What hundreds of manga porn looks like when it’s on fire.
Oh the humanity.
Apparently that was not the reason that Japan surrendered. Russia declared war on Japanese manga and sought to revise its contents to erase porn and glorify communism two days after the bombing, THEN Japan surrendered. Russia 1, United States 0. The dookies were scary, but nothing beats the fear and hopelessness that communism-ized manga holds over the Japanese.
(No! Please don’t bomb the ‘Cute Love’ store!)
Here’s how to pronounce it to the Japanese fangirls: Iie! Kawai ai sotoa bakudan o si nai te ku da sa i!
(i-EH! Ka-WAHy-ie suto-a bakudan oh xi na-yi teh ku da sa-yi!)
So China with its revived vitality and help from the Russians drove the Japanese out. Then the Dear Glorious Party Of The Righteous And Incredibly Sexy Chairman Mao and the Anti-Mao League duke it out until 1949, when Chairman Mao won and Anti-Mao was declared traitor to the county and the Anti-Mao League was forced to move to Taiwan. Mao established the 中华人民共合国.
Pinyin: Zong hua ren min gong he guo.
Official translation: People’s Republic of China.
Literal translation: United People’s Shared Republic of China.
Translation closest to the meaning: United States of China
What it means to the Chinese people: Our Glorious Country Born Out of the Blood Spilled by Our Courageous Communist Soldiers Run by the Sexiest Chairman Since Sex.
They proceeded to do typical communist things like ban all artistic expression and eat babies. Now Mao’s mole had a man-crush on Stalin’s mustache (or something), and decided to declare this to the world by making the Chinese flag an almost exact replica of the USSR’s. Except instead of a scythe and a hammer, he chose five super manly stars. It was just convenient that Stalin’s mustache was crushing on Mao’s mole at the time. And hence begun a not-so-beautiful relationship.
Pictured: Look how manly China’s flag is. Just look at it. It sparkles.
So after a few very crazy insane years involving some nuclear testing, wars in Korea and Vietnam, cultural revolution, Mao’s mole suddenly stopped man crushing on Stalin’s mustache when he realized that mustache wanted Manchuria. One thing lead to another and before they knew it, they… broke up.
It was a messy breakup. The USSR went berserk and tried to beat China up and add it to its collection of shrunken country heads with the Baltics and the Countries Ending in –stans. They did not officially declare war on each other although that would have made an epic Shakespearean play, but China lost the ‘minor’ border disputes, and Manchuria was split in half. Is anybody else getting the notion that Manchuria is more trouble than it’s worth?
So they severed their ties afterwards. Mao dies. The next chairman is the Less-Sexier-Than-Mao-But-Still-Damn-Sexy Deng Xiao Ping, who supposedly studied in France and built the party on basis of “LOL MAO WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and the chairman after him built “LOL DENG WAS CRAZY, BUT HE’S RIGHT”, and all the chairmen have carried on this tradition.
Then everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Tibet.
I blame Manchuria.
Hoshit I think I would have been shot on spot if I had posted this while in China.
DON’T KILL ME CHINA IS FUCKING AWESOME WITH THE SEXIEST CHAIRMAN EVER AND MANCHURIA IS NOT USELESS GAHHHHHHHHH JUST DON’T SHOOT ME I HAVE RELATIVES IN ANSHAN, DALIAN AND SHANGHAI JUST DON’T SHOOT ME GODDAMNIT…!–Annie