North Korea at the World Cup, Part 2
06/21/2010
Might I begin with a Janice again:
Oh. My. GOD.
The World Cup just never fails to deliver massive shocks.
Remember how we were all pretty impressed with North Korea’s performance against Brazil?
How North Korea scored a beautiful goal and managed a 1-2 final score?
So I thought that they have a decent chance against Portugal, who weren’t that impressive in their first match.
But as it turned out, Portugal beat North Korea.
Wait, that’s not really the point.
The point is that Portugal beat North Korea 7-0.
Seven to Zero.
*cue communism red* Seven to zero.
Seven to Zero.
Looks like Kim Jong-Il’s magical psychic abilities totally failed:
That’s right, Kim Jong-Il. How does it feel to have your butt kicked?
I just can’t believe it. Just how–How on Earth–
I wonder how those Chinese actors impersonating as North Koreans must have felt like
Anyway. Brazil and Portugal are pretty much guaranteed to move on to the Round of 16.
I just feel awful for Cote d’Ivoire for being a part of this horrible “Group of Death”.
So, I suppose Kim Jong-Il’s either going to be sending brain waves to kill the Portuguese players, or planning the murders of the North Korean players?
Sorry! Sorry! Probably shouldn’t be making fun of him. Maybe he’s also sending me evil thoughts.
Ah, well, North Korea.
It has been fun watching you.
You certainly offered a lot of drama to this World Cup. Thank you.
Better luck next time! And perhaps next World Cup we can catch a glimpse of actual North Korean people.
North Korea at the World Cup
06/16/2010
So, me and Annie watched the Brazil vs. North Korea game yesterday. After all, North Korea is the “mystery” team. The last time they made it to World Cup, way back in 1966, they knocked Italy out. So maybe this time a miracle’s going to happen again.
Speaking of miracles, I just have to share this video I found on MSN. Apparently it’s no miracle but Kim Jong-Il’s magical brain waves helping the North Korean Team:
Here be proof that Kim Jong-il is nuts.
…Okay, so let me get this straight. The North Korean coach believes that his Great Leader “transmits tactics by facing South Africa and emitting his thought waves in its direction”.
WHAT.
The amount of brain-washing over there must be incredible.
And when we saw spectators waving the North Korean flag and cheering the team on, we were thinking, “Wow, are those real North Koreans?????” We’ve never met a North Korean (obviously), but even if we did we still wouldn’t know because North Korean people just look like South Korean people.
So then we wondered how the North Koreans were there because obviously North Koreans aren’t allowed to travel. At all.
If these people were indeed Chinese actors paid to act as North Koreans to protect actual North Koreans from “contamination”, that would actually make sense.
But, eh, if Kim Jong-Il is willing to send his psychic brain waves to help his hand-picked North Korean team, then maybe it wouldn’t be such a stretch for him to send actual North Koreans to South Africa.
With that said, I have to say the North Koreans were pretty fantastic in the match against Brazil. That goal it scored was a really great goal.
So now the North Korean media are probably going, “WE SCORED AGAINST THE MIGHTY BRAZIL! IT IS BECAUSE OF OUR GREAT LEADER! HAIL THE GREAT LEADER!!!!!!”
Once again, how many times do I deserve to be shot now? :3
Oooh, and how hilarious was Switzerland’s win over Spain?
It made me feel all fuzzy afterwards because I’m happy whenever the underdogs win. Because I can just imagine how happy this win has made Swiss people everywhere and the hope it brings as well.
Besides, it’s just hilarious to see how shocked everyone is, because NO ONE thought that Spain could lose against Switzerland. For those of you who predicted something like Spain wins 3-0, HA.
With that said, I must also comment on the Spanish team:
HOW SAD ARE YOU?
Here are some stats:
 Spain |
 Switzerland |
|
| 24 | Shots | 8 |
| 12 | Corner kicks | 3 |
| 0 | Yellow cards | 4 |
| 0 | Second yellow card and red card | 0 |
| 0 | Red Cards | 0 |
| 63% | Possession (%) | 37% |
Okay, let me get this straight. Spain had 63% possession. It had 24 shots. The whole game was basically the Spanish players bombarding the Swiss net every 2 minutes. AND YET IT DID NOT SCORE A SINGLE GOAL.
On the other hand, Switzerland only had a pathetic 37% possession and a even more pathetic 8 shots (2 of which were actually close to the goal), and it scored one goal and almost scored another (there was a ball that hit the goal post).
And everyone was talking about how Spain is the heavy favorites of this World Cup and how Spain has one of the best teams in the world right now, blah blah blah.
From just today’s match, though, it seemed like Spain could only play flowery, pretty patterns and pass the damn ball back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, after all of which it couldn’t even make a decent shot.
I mean, Inigo Montoya and his father must be so unhappy right now.
Good job, Switzerland!
You do better, Spain, or else!
I don’t know why I like propaganda posters. Maybe it’s because I study arts. Maybe it’s because I grew up with them. I think the real reason is because they’re just TOO DAMN FUNNY.
I will present my top 22 favourite propaganda posters in this post.
Country: North Korean
Time Period: Korean War
The Message: Keep clean! It’s important! (something along those lines)
What people see: I have no idea, but from what I can deduce from this picture… a giant creepy nurse will stick a syringe needle into your scrotum and herds of sheep and cow will randomly attack you.
Country: Former USSR
Time Period: 1920 ish
Message: The USSR is looking towards a fabulous bright future of production!
What people see: The USSR is simply faaaaaaaaaaabulous!
Country: Germany
Time period: 1920s
Message: Vote for Hitler.
What people see: This is totally the best way to promote your political candidate, seeing as it worked. I know what I’m doing for the student elections next year… Vote for the disembodied head with the funny mustache floating in a black void.
Country: USA
Time Period: Either WW1 or 2…can’t remember, sorry.
Message: Keep making artillery!
What people see: Wait… I know theres a relevant penis pun in there somewhere…
Country: USA
Time period: WW1
Message: Plant victory gardens to support our troops!
What people sees: Plant victory gardens, then fuck the vegetables to make human-veggie babies!
Country: China
Time period: sometime during the 1970s.
Message: China and Taiwan are sisters and sisters should get along.
What people sees: …. boobies, boobies, boobiessssssssssss…
Country: Canada
Time period: WW2
Message: We will fight alongside the United Kingdom!
What people see: Oh wow Canada. Seriously? Sorry, but you can’t make a beaver look badass no matter how hard you tried. Sorry.
Country: China
Time Period: Not sure
Message: Under sexy chairman Mao’s awesome leadership, all women will soon have access to luxury items like silk and makeup.
What people see: Under sexy chairman Mao’s awesome leadership, all prostitutes will soon have access to knock off luxury items like polyester and face paint.
Country: China
Time Period: Unsure
Message: A united China of all cultures and expressions!
What people see: In the future, all children will have the same face.
Country: Canada. Obviously
Time Period: WW1
Message: CANADA WILL WIN THE WAR.
What people see: What’s a Canada? Did the UK change their name or something? And why is that guy looks like he has explosive diarrhea?
Country: Italy
Time period: ww2
Message: the 3 requirements of being a Italian SS soldier. Honour, loyalty, and courage.
What people see: … I’m going by the assumption that the Italians didn’t know that the said hand gesture’s original meaning was “fuck you, you loser.”
Country: China
Time period: probably not recent
Message: Chairman Mao loves children!
What people sees: Chairman Mao loves children.
Country: Former USSR
Time period: 1950′s ish
Message: All the children of the world will die and somehow it is the USA’s fault.
What people sees: “Stop downloading children illegally off the internet!”
…
AND WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT NAKED DOLL?
Country: Canada
Time period: ww1
Message: Buy Victory Bonds, the soldier dressed in traditional Scottish clothing did his part in the war and so should you.
What people see: Buy Victory Bonds, or else the guy in a skirt will come and rape you.
Country: China
Time Period: 1980′s
Message: China is aiming for space! The next generation will be able to travel on rockets to the moon!
What people see: uhm… okay… five kids crammed on a tranquilizer dart, going over a rainbow, in space but still in a cloud, and theres that lady on the moon in that folktale and her … well it was supposed to be a rabbit… and uh…. Fuck this — just — what?
Do LSD if you want to see this scenes like this!
Country: China
Time Period: Assuming it’s around the 1980s.
Message: Carry the sexy Chairman Mao’s philosophy everywhere you go!
What people see: Always carry a giant photo of an balding old man and hang it immediately upon entering your new dwelling. There he may rest on the wall for as long as you live, leering at your family…
Country: Former USSR
Time Period: When cars became available there. So…I guess at around… last year?
Message: The USSR is so awesome it’s making cars. If you work for the motherland you will be able to buy one!
What people see: Buy a car — It’s a new way to rape children.
Country: Norway (surprise!)
Time period: I’m guessing it’s made by the Nazi control in WW2, with the whole Aryan thing.
Message: All Aryan people face a bright future as the master race, while the communists rot.
What people see: In the future, USSR will experience no change, but Norway will finally have money to buy enough sand for a beach. It will then declare itself a nudist country, outlaw clothes, and everyone will take enough drugs to believe the sun has the Danish flag on it.
WUT.
(I’m serious about buying sand for a beach part. Iceland did it, so it’s only a matter of time before Norway does it. We’re onto you, Norway.)
Country: Germany
Time: unknown
Message: Protect your potatoes from the evil potato destroying insects!
What people sees: … yeah.
Country: Nazi occupied Netherlands
Time: WW2
Message: If the Americans liberate you, this is what they’re bringing — filth.
What people sees: America will bring a giant robot made of toy parts? Fuck man, America is AWESOME! BRING ON THE AMERICANS!
Country: Germany
Time period: Unsure
Message: … I have no fucking idea.
What people sees: This fat fuck of an eagle will first eat that little white dove, then fly out to eat your children. While singing nursery rhymes.
… What.
EDIT: One more. I found this just today.
Holy mother of god.
It’s STEROIDS PLASTIC MAN.
Oh. One example from World War One.
Germany:
German glamourization of a soldier. I don’t know if this is hot or terrifying. Is that pubic hair?
Okay, this poster is not very funny. So why is it the best? Well…
Translated, the poster says: “Come north with us!” — Norwegian Ski Ranger Battalion.
They had a battalion. On skis. In the snow. With skis.
Be still, my heart.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/091201/odds/odd_us_northkorea_jeans
Remember Stockholm? The capital of Sweden, god of furniture?
And remember North Korea? That scary emo country where censorship was their god and the United States announced it was going to kick its ass?
Yeah. North Korea has designers apparently. And they’re selling jeans. In Stockholm. For about 215$ each.
… Heavens knows how Sweden managed to do that.
North Korea, a country better known for its reclusive nature than fashionable clothes, rarely allows outsiders within its borders and has virtually no trade or diplomatic relations with most Western countries. Sweden, one of only seven countries to have an embassy in North Korea, is an exception.
The other six countries are (just guessing, I cant find them) China, Russia, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, and South Korea. Maybe you can throw Japan in, too.
But the process of agreeing a deal to produce just 1,100 pairs of jeans — the first ever produced by the country, according to the founders — often proved baffling.
I… what? This is their first time making… jeans?
Fashionable novelty seekers can order Noko jeans from the company’s website http://www.nokojeans.com after December 4, but you are not likely to see a pair on the streets of Pyongyang, North Korea’s capital, anytime soon.
Socialist dress code forbids them.
Beacause jeans are totally a symbol for evil evil capitalism.
…
*shot by a communist*
– Annie
My mom (yes, my mom) sent me a chinese joke. I never get tired of political humour… XD
The Joke (In Mandarin):
世界是一个班级， 美国是班长 中国就是团支书 狂经典
1、美国 班长，学习好，家里有钱，人高马大，好打架,经常欺负别人。班里没几个人敢惹他。 和副班长关系不好。
2、俄罗斯 副班长，成绩优异，全班最高大，上学期光和班长顶着干。后来家里出事：分家！现在做事很消极，但在班级里有一定的影响力。
3、中国 团支书。幼儿园学习成绩很好。小学时由于体质差常被欺负，没事爱吹牛，由副班长罩着。
4、英国 学习委员，学习成绩好。家里也很富。班长的跟屁虫，做事没主见，啥都听班长的。前些天和班长把伊拉克打了一顿。
5、瑞士 美术课代表，班花。学习成绩好，清高。
6、奥地利 音乐课代表。
7、阿富汗 职务无。不爱学习。身材矮小。上学期被副班长打，班长帮忙付医药费。前几天把班长家的最高的两个家具砸了，被班长揍个半死，现在失忆中、
8、伊拉克 无职务。学习差。但人高马大，上学期排全班第四。嘴硬，上学期欺负同桌被群殴。前些天被班长和学习委员冲进他家揍个稀巴烂。
9、印度 好玩电脑，成了电脑课代表。经常和同桌巴基斯坦为一块课桌吵架。
10、巴基斯坦 职务无。成绩一般。和团支书关系不错，经常和印度吵架。 1
11、德国 班级活跃分子，人高马大，擅长数理化。有野心，由于上学打了2架所以现在暂无职务。但认错态度较好。
12、日本 无职位，成绩不错。思想品德很{巨}差。上学期刚被班长和团支书等人揍。现在还惦记着团支书家的鱼缸。)
13、越南 无职位。人品有问题,瘦弱。上学期被班长揍，幸好有副班长和团支书撑腰。后又挑衅团支书，被狂揍。
14、朝鲜 无职位。有个性。和团支书关系好。近期和班长闹矛盾，班长扬言要揍他。’
15、韩国，无职务，品行比日本还差，喜欢偷团支书东西，偷完了还不知廉耻拿出来炫耀。由班长罩着。
The Joke, translated:
The World is a classroom. United States is the Class president. China is the chairman.
1. United States, President. Good grades, upperclass. Most built in the class. Loves to fight, and bullies other students. Not alot of students stands up to him. His relationship with the Vice President is abysmal.
2. Russia, Vice President. Very high grades. Tallest in the class. Had a fight with the President last semester, but then things at home lead to his family being separated. Right now he’s rather quiet, but he has a certain influence.
3. China, Chairman. Genius in kindergarten, but got bullied a lot because of his small structure. Likes to brag when he’s bored. The Vice President protects him.
4. United Kingdom, Academics Representative. Good grades, rich upper class family. Class tag-along. Doesn’t really have opinions, listens to the President for everything. Beat up Iraq with the President a few days ago.
5. Switzerland, Visual Arts Representative. Prettiest girl in class. Good grades, high class. Extremely refined.
6. Austria, Music Representative.
7. Afganistan, regular student. Hates studying, scrawny. Got beaten up badly by the Vice President last semester, and the President helped to pay for his medical bills. A few days ago he broke two tallest pieces of furniture in the Presidents house. After being beaten up half to death by the President, he is suffering from amnesia.
8. Iraq, regular student. Horrible grades, but is tall and built. Fourth tallest out of the whole class last semester. Irrationally vocal, last semester he got ganged up on for bullying his desk buddy. The President and the Academics Representative stormed his house and beat the living crap out of him.
9. India, Information Technology representative. Loves to play on the computer. Has frequent squabbles with his desk buddy over desk space.
10. Pakistan, regular student. Average grades, good relations with the Chairman. Squabbles with India over desk space.
11. Germany, regular student. Participates actively in class and is serious about school. Very well built, he is good at scientific/math studies. He has a wild side. He was on the student council, but was kicked out when he started two riots. He is good at accepting full responsibility.
12. Japan, regular student. Good grades. Has some (very) questionable thoughts sometimes. Got beaten up by the Chairman and others last semester. Now he often reminesces about the aquarium in the Chairman’s house.
13. Vietnam, regular student. Has some questionable morals. Very frail. Got into a fight with the President last semester. Lucky for him he had the support of the Chairman and Vice President. Then he went to pick a fight with the Chairman, and got his ass handed to him.
14. North Korea, regular student. Isolationist. Good relations with the Chairman. The president and him has been butting heads recently, and the President announces he’s going to kick North Korea’s ass…
15. South Korea, regular student. Thoughts even more questionable than Japan’s. Likes to steal from the Chairman’s house, which he then shamelessly shows it off. Protected by the President.
I had to change a few things here and there for it to make sense. For example, 班长 does not translate into ‘President’, it translates into ‘battalion leader’. The Chinese classroom has an interesting system: there will be a ‘battalion leader’ who will be in charge when the teacher is away, and a ‘vice-batallion leader’ to help out the ‘battalion leader’ when he needs it. Then there’ll be representatives for every subject and they’ll be responsible for everything that happens in that class. There are also some stupid titles such as ‘hygenics representative’ and ‘lunch representative’… more often than not, the class is so big that they have to split them up into even smaller groups, resulting in ‘platoon leaders’ and ‘sub-platoon leaders’…
Yeah it’s really communist sounding, isn’t it?
