Fernando Torres. Gender: Male???
07/01/2010
I feel that this hilarious rugby ad is an appropriate opener for today’s topic.
Is football a girl’s sport? Certainly not.
But it just may be true in the case of our pretty Fernando Torres.
As I mentioned before, we’ve always thought that Fernando was just so pretty.
Now, I know I call a lot of these football guys pretty, but there’s a difference between being pretty in a man sort of way and being pretty in a woman sort of way.
He is very pretty (eyelashes. EYELASHES.), but you can still clearly tell that he's a man.
…Whereas the same really can’t be said about our dear Torres. Sometimes he looks so gender-neutral that I swear I want to beat him up for not being born a girl.
If he were born a woman he’d be so gorgeous that I might start to question my own sexual orientation.
So after a bit of digging around (Read: going on Kickette), I easily found tons of evidence to show you how Torres scares me with his insane femininity.
(By the way, Kickette is one freaky website. It’s like, the mother of all stalkery. They have 1000000000 pictures of footballers from EVERYWHERE. With lewd comments from females worldwide. Seriously, it creeps me out how intensive that website is. Where and how on earth did they get that much stuff?)
But without further ado, we present to you Ms. Fernando Torres:
THAT EXPRESSION. Must. Resist. Raping. Urges. Not. Resisting. Well.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. That face. Tell me you aren’t swooning inside right now.
That waist. That butt. THOSE CURVES.
Holy Jesus’ Mother. Just look at the way his waist curves in and his butt sticks out. How many GIRLS do you know with a figure like that? I swear to god I have never seen a guy’s butt stick out like that. I have only seen that amount of curves on a handful girls. Ever.
Please go do a hair commercial. NOW.
WOW. That is some fluffy hair. Hair commercial. HAIR COMMERCIAL.
…Oh, wait, he has already done a hair commercial.
Ho shit what is this I…
Yeah. I really don’t know what to make of this. Except oh god so creepy it’s going to give me nightmares.
Okay, moving on. Plenty more to show.
That pout is simply incredible. Incredible, I tell you.
…Have you seen a girl stick out her lips with half as much effectiveness as he does here?
His "Bitch" expression.
Oh lord. Do I smell a catfight coming?
Super Pout #2.
Okay, I probably would not want to be her his parents.
...And he always has this tendency to lie on the ground and look like he's just been raped.
...See?
......see?!
SEE?!?!?!?! and THAT BUTT!!!!!!! O____O
Doesn’t that look delicious? Again, THAT BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, how can that figure not belong to a girl?!?!?!?!
And I don’t need to mention how in the Spain vs. Chile game, Fernando basically fell over himself and then sat on his butt looking all innocent and raped for the next half an hour.
Sorry for showing this video repeatedly.
Watch me sail through the air gracefully like a ballerina!
…And then he’ll sit there and look raped yet inviting. Again.
No wonder he’s the #1 distraction on the Spanish team.
Lipstick?!?!?! O_O'''
And no wonder these girls over at the scary Kickette included him in their “Finest Five” list.
Although what are you thinking calling him “hot” and “sexy” are you all lesbians?
No offense to actual lesbians you go girls
See? People just can't keep their hands off him.
…Although I have to say that after he got a haircut (FINALLY) he looks decidedly manlier:
Okay I take that back.
Okay, what was I thinking? Did I really say that he looks manlier now? I TAKE IT BACK. He’s too pretty to EVER look manly. Sorry. But that’s the truth.
By the way, can you imagine Torres old? Holy Mother of Lord.
Remember how I mentioned in a post that Fernando Torres’ favorite TV shows are The Dog Whisperer and Super Nanny?
Well, I guess I finally see why this is so:
Torres the Super Nanny strikes again.
When I first saw this picture, I swear I died inside. I don’t even know what to say.
Okay, yes, it’s so sweet and adorable that he loves his kid so (Can you believe he’s a FATHER?) and is willing to do the dirty work in taking care of a baby (In fact the folks at Kickette insists that seeing their “Nando” like this explodes their ovaries like nothing else), but seriously, look at that figure. And look at how the sun accentuates his golden tresses.
It’s just not fair.
If only I were a quarter as pretty as he is, I wouldn’t be so perpetually single.
Now I wonder, how would Fernando look like with facial hair?
Dear god. I don’t know. And it looks like Fernando growing facial hair is never going to happen, either.
Look, he even has such a pretty hand!
Just imagine that face with long, blonde hair and makeup. He'll look so pretty you'd probably choke. Or get diabetes. Or both.
No wonder he has attracted comparison with that Sacha Baron Cohen character Brüno:
Wow.
It so figures.
This comparison makes a certain amount of ironic sense, if you ask me.
And this comparison to an alpaca is just plain funny:
Haahahaha! The resemblance is uncanny!
Alright. So in conclusion, Fernando Torres really is the girliest footballer I have ever seen. He would make a gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
I apologize for bombarding you with pictures from Kickette.
I will never, ever go and get pictures from Kickette like a massive stalker again.
But, you know. I just couldn’t help myself with Torres. I mean, just look at him: =w=;;;
See? =w=;;
More links that I want to share from the Dirty Tackle Soccer Blog (which is, like, God):
- No wonder France was such a big failure – just check out their “training method”. And no wonder Germany beat England – check out MEGA GERMAN!
- What is the German team’s “ideal” preparation for a game?
- I don’t really know what to make of this video. Although this might explain why the referees are so bad – maybe they spent all their time coming up with perfectly synchronized dance routines.
Ha. Hahahahahaha. - Ultra-Mega-Fail:
So apparently kicking a stationary ball can be incredibly difficult. - Random musings of tootballers before they fall asleep…
This is actually a series of posts. Every single one is hilarious. Please check out Brooks Peck’s posts @ Dirty Tackle. (Also hilarious are the “Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage Lists“).By the way, how much do you love Philipp Lahm and his eyebrows? Even though I’ve put up two pictures already, I just can’t possibly resist putting up another one:
Just look at them.
See, what I like the most about Philipp Lahm is that he’s just completely normal. He’s not so vain like lots of other football players (i.e. if you google image him, there are not any pictures of him in whatever underwear ad — I’m looking at you, Cristiano Ronaldo), and he has a normal girlfriend (not some trophy wife) and he doesn’t have kids. Do you have any idea how rare that is nowadays?
Plus you can make all these jokes about his eyebrows and his name. Plus he plays for Germany. Extra extra bonus points.
All right. That is all for now. Thanks to the Dirty Tackle blog for such fantastic random stories!
More random soccer/football stuff, mwahahaha
06/25/2010
I feel so bad about writing post after post after post of soccer/football (uh, well, I suppose I did also write about the Blonde Parade), but since exams are over and summer school doesn’t start until July 5th, I’ve been just lounging at home and watching the World Cup all day long. I bet I’m already more nearsighted than I was in April. Oh shit.
All right. This will be a brief post.
So I found the best soccer/football blog ever, and here are a few of my favorite posts:
- Maradona being gay himself
- Germany victory predicted by Octupus
…Wow. This Octupus-Oracle is so epic. Also, HAHAHA, GERMANY. Really? :’DDD - Just watch the video.
- American restaurant sells lion burgers to celebrate World Cup. WOULD YOU BUY ONE? No way in hell
- England’s coach is not too bright.
- Oh my god, PLEASE PLEASE go watch this one –> Fellowship of the Vuvuzela
- Poor Gerard Pique. I personally watched his pain & suffering @ World Cup
- So apparently the reason why England didn’t win its first 2 games was because that it has been cursed by a pigeon.
- This lucky Australian guy is getting paid to live in a giant soccer ball. I’m SO jealous.
- Fernando Torres tackles himself. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP WITH THAT. Wow, Fernando. You’re such a pansy.
Paul the Psychic Octopus! 
(Except then a hundred stupid people started commenting about what the correct plural form of “Octupus” is. =__=)
Alright. So I’ve been wasting my whole afternoon reading these posts. But they are so funny.
Now I have to go, uh, clean the apartment yeah right so toodles.
Until tomorrow in which I shall write even more about football/soccer! Yeah!
Please forgive me.
