Yet another really boring and really long review from me. I’ve been doing these so much that I should be dragged out and shot. Really, I’m just enjoying my last few hours of freedom before my dear mother comes to visit and I lose all forms of freedom for 72 hours.
So, I’ve been reading a play by a certain writer named William Shakespeare. Heard of him? I bet you have. This guy is practically second only to Chuck Norris.
The Real Guy
Hollywood’s Version of the guy. *Cough*.
The play’s called Othello. And it’s pretty damned cool for something that’s written four hundred years ago and in barely intelligible English. I thought I’d never say I enjoyed some Shakespeare, but…
We’re talking about the greatest villain ever here.
Greatest villain ever. Ohohohoho.
Greatest Villains Ever Profile #1:
Name: Iago (ee-AH-go)
Nationality: Italian (Venice)
Area of Evil: Manipulation (level: hardcore)
Why he’s evil: He gives some very sketchy reasons in the play. It can be assumed that he’s evil just for the sake of being evil. Which is the greatest kind of evil there is. I mean, just like how Chuck Norris needs no reason to be awesome, Iago needs no reason to be the greatest villain ever.
- Roderigo: oh, the poor rich bastard. Iago talked him into giving up all his money, and got him into doing all sorts of dirty work for Iago, such as picking a fight with Cassio (see below) and getting hurt pretty badly along the way.
- Michael Cassio: this guy is actually such a good guy it’s not even funny. He’s honorable, polite, and acts like a gentleman, but unfortunately he got promoted and Iago didn’t, and so Iago wants to destroy him. Iago got Othello to believe that Cassio was having an affair with Othello’s wife (see below) when the poor guy just wanted to be with a nice prostitute named Bianca.
- Desdemona: oh boy. This lady’s the worst off yet. She was just a pretty darling who didn’t do ANYTHING AT ALL, but got strangled by her own hubby because Iago’s just cool that way.
- Othello: Can’t say much about him. He was kind of stupid. He realized too late that Iago’s been duping him all this time, and when he did realize it he just killed himself. Way to make Iago’s day complete.
…See that dude on the left? That’s Mike.
Ooh, lookie! How precious!
…See that dude on the left? That’s our lame hero.
–“Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is tupping your white ewe.” — Notable for epic use of imagery.
If you cannot imagine what that means, congratulations, your mind is more innocent than mine.
How He Did It:
Okay. So from the very beginning, Iago gives a speech about how he hates Othello for no reason. So then, he initiated Plan A.
Plan A: Tell Desdemona’s father that Othello’s having sex with “tupping” the girl to get the father angry, and so the father’ll murder Othello. Back in those days, Othello was definitely the odd one out for being African, and Elizabethan England certainly didn’t have any racial rights laws. (Are you kidding me? All the Monarchs before Elizabeth were like, on crack. Just go see Henry VIII’s pathetic life –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_VIII_of_England )
(And thus Iago’s description of “old black ram tupping your white ewe”. Pfffftt. I’m sorry to say I was pretty amused by this bit of animal imagery. Oh, Shakespeare.)
Okay, this sounds all nice and dandy, except that it failed.
Because Desdemona was all like, Oh yeah, no problem, I actually fell in love with him and he didn’t rape me or anything.
No, Dad, really. He didn’t rape me. I’m so in loovvve.
Well, okay, not really. This is what she really said:
Desdemona. “But here’s my husband, and so much duty as my mother showed to you, preferring you before her father, so much I challenge that I may profess due to the Moor my lord.”
Translated into English, that would be something like this:
Desdemona. “Well, I’m married to this guy now, so I’m going to listen to him and forget about you okay? Bye Dad.”
Okay, so at this point Iago’s pretty damn disappointed.
So, on to Plan B: Why not destroy everyone with one plan?
Iago: DIE, you…dipshit.
So Iago thought he’d get Othello to believe that Cassio is having an affair with Desdemona, so that Othello’ll get so mad he’ll just kill both of them.
I bet he didn’t think that Othello will off himself at the end too. What a pleasant surprise.
…What the. You mean he killed himself? How convenient!
BUT. The Duke sends Othello to Cyprus to kick some Ottoman butt.
…so then everyone follows him to Cyprus, only to discover that all the Ottoman butts already drowned in a seastorm.
…lolwhat? Othello & Co. were travelling on the SAME SEA at the SAME TIME but all the Turkish people drowned in a giant sea storm and nothing happened to Othello & Co.? Nice going, Shakespeare. Go study some logic.
So anyway. The first thing Iago did was to get Cassio drunk and then get Roderigo to pick a fight with him. Iago made sure that this happened while Othello was… “enjoying his wedding night” (Read: getting some. Well, it’s Shakespeare. Everything is a sexual innuendo.), so that when he has to “wake up” to deal with this, he would be damned pissed.
I’m sorry to say that it worked to perfection. Othello was really damned pissed when he had to come to the crime scene wearing a bed sheet…thing.
…I wouldn’t lie to you.
So now, Cassio’s demoted and Iago gets the job. Iago: 1, Cassio: -1.
But oh no, this is not enough for our dear diabolical Iago. Othello’s still happy in his wedded bliss “enjoying” his wife. That wouldn’t do at all, ja?
Also! I would like to quote here the following conversation between Iago and Othello. If you don’t want to read the original Shakespeare gibberish and would like to go straight to the English translation, then just scroll down until you see red (the color of communism! Yeah!)
Iago. “Did Michael Cassio, when you wooed my lady, know of your love?”
Othello. “He did, from first to last. Why dost thou ask?”
Iago. “But for a satisfaction of my thought, no further harm.”
Othello. “Why of thy thought, Iago?”
Iago. “I did not think he had been acquainted with her.”
Othello. “O, yes, and went between us very oft.”
Othello. “Indeed. Ay, indeed! Discern’st thou aught in that? Is he not honest?”
Iago. “Honest, my lord?”
Othello. “Honest? Ay, honest.”
Iago. “My lord, for aught I know.”
Othello. “What dost thou think?”
Iago. “Think, my lord?”
Othello. “Think, my lord? Thou echoest me. As if there were some monster in thy thought…”
*I blanked out during the rest of the paragraph.”
Othello. “If thou dost love me, show me thy thought.”
Iago. “My lord, you know I love you.”
Othello. “I think thou dost. And, for I know thou’rt full of love and honesty…blah blah blah.”
Iago. “For Michael Cassio, I dare be sworn, I think that he is honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
*more blah blah blah*
Iago. “I do beseech you—though I perchance am vicious in my guess (as I confess it is my nature’s plague to spy into abuses, and of my jealousy…)”
Othello. “What dost thou mean?”
Iago. “Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, is the immediate jewel of their souls……..”
Othello. “By heaven, I’ll know thy thoughts!”
Iago. “O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
Translated into English:
Iago. “When you were trying to get Desdemona, did Cassio know about it?”
Othello. “Yep. The whole deal. Why do you ask?”
Iago. “Oh, for no reason. I just wanted to know.”
Othello. “Uh, what are you saying?”
Iago. “Oh, I just didn’t know that he knew her before.”
Othello. “Oh yes. He was our messenger.”
Othello. “Yep. What are you saying? Is he not honest?”
Othello. “Yeah, honest.”
Iago. “Well, I wouldn’t know.”
Othello. “Well, what do you think?”
Othello. “Yes, you bastard, stop repeating what I said. You’re avoiding the subject. If you’re my friend, spit it out.”
Iago. “Oh, you know I like you.”
Othello. “Yeah, I know. And I also know that you’re so honest and full of love.”
(ROFL WTF? HAHAHAHAH. That entertained me to no end. Iago? HONEST? Pffffffttttt. Good one, Othello.)
Iago. “Well then, I think Cassio’s honest.”
Othello. “I think so too.”
Iago. “Uh, I guess there’s no point in all this because since I’m a really bad person, I might have just guessed wrong and saw something out of nothing.”
(See how he’s trying to brush it off and make Othello even MORE curious?)
Othello. “…What do you mean?” (Oh, you poor, poor confused soul.)
Iago. “*he goes off-topic even more and says some crap that I don’t understand.*”
Othello. “GOD FUCK IT. For the love of Christ, JUST TELL ME ALREADY.”
Iago. “Oh, well, what I’m saying is, don’t be jealous! Jealousy is so totally bad for you, you know?”
…You see how Iago never actually says that Desdemona and Cassio are having an affair?
He just hints at it vaguely, and asks very subtle questions like “honest, my lord?” to lead Othello on and to get Othello to piece it together on his own. *w* Skilllllz.
Okay. Then Iago tells Othello that Cassio’s been having lewd dreams about Desdemona (LIES!) and that he’s seen Desdemona’s handkerchief in Cassio’s room. Othello gets really pissed because that handkerchief was like, the first token he gave to Desdemona or something.
…This makes NO SENSE AT ALL because FIVE MINUTES AGO, Othello met Desdemona and saw her use that handkerchief. But Iago’s so good at manipulating Othello that he doesn’t even see this obvious lie. Which again proves Iago’s godliness.
And that handkerchief? Iago asked his wife to take it from Desdemona, and then he put it in Cassio’s bedroom.
…Anyway. Othello got so mad that he decided that both Cassio and Desdemona needed to die. He doesn’t even ask them what happened and doesn’t try to talk to Desdemona at all, because he believes Iago so utterly that Iago’s name is now “Honest Iago”. I quote this line because it is just too damned funny:
Othello. [talking about Iago] “This fellow’s of exceeding honesty!”
…Excuse me while I laugh maniacally at this irony. Pffft. IAGO. EXCEEDINGLY HONEST. HAHAHAHH.
So Iago, I think you’re such an honest person! Serious! Be my best friend forever?
So there you have it. Everyone pretty much dies at the end, just like in any good old Shakespearean tragedy. Iago doesn’t die, but got dragged away. He did kill his wife before he went though. What’s a villain without that final act of evil? *applauds*
I have to admit Shakespeare’s pretty damn cool to have created such a wondrous villain.
Iago, you’re officially my most favoritest villain ever. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why the villains are so much more awesome than the heroes. Kind of lame, really. The heroes, I mean. All the heroes in this play were so stupid. But Iago was just like, so GOOD at being evil that he made the whole play for me. *worships*.
…And that concludes our Super Villain Profile #1.
Hahahahahah. Another super boring review! I’m so fail. And how did this one turn out so long? I’m sorry for destroying half your brain cells trying to read through this. Es tut mir Leid.
–Sarah, who will now hide in shame and retire for some time thinking up more boring reviews.